Day 101

Day 101. More like room 101.  Isn't that where you put things you hate?

My life needs to go in room 101.

I am suffering with the Saturday blues today, on Sunday. I woke up with a cold, a headache a black cloud over me. I had arranged to meet up with a lady to walk our dogs. A possible new friend, but I've cancelled because I can't face it. I am my own worse enemy.

I've just stood in my kitchen crying like a total loser. I feel so alone today and as though he has left a huge hole in my life. He hasn't. He's a horrible pig and I'm better without him so I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm crying now.

Tomorrow a programme we watched is starting again. It ended on a huge cliffhanger. I've been counting the months until it started again and now it's here and I have no one to scream at the tv with. It's a just a tv programme and I'm making a huge deal out of it.

And I'm crying again. I need someone to give me a good slap around the face and tell me to get a grip. I bet he's not shed one single tear over me or what I'm going through.

As I stood in the kitchen crying I thought about reaching for the bread knife and adding to the pretty pattern on my arm. That is messed up, it's just not me and its a little scary to think that I could so easily do it.

I've been stressing about Christmas too. I can't face it. Waking up in a house by myself is just too depressing a thought. It's always the same routine. We go to my parents, sit in the same seats on the sofa, around the table. I am ashamed to face my family without him on Christmas day. It will be too obvious that he's not there and even though I don't want him there it will be too hard that he's not. That sounds like a mad person talking. 

I am thinking of staying away on Christmas day. I've looked into local charities and lots look for help on Christmas day with the homeless or elderly. I tried to bring it up with my parents yesterday but I couldn't. They won't understand.

I have a couple of months to tackle the subject. I need to concentrate on getting a grip now, nevermind then.

Day 100

100 whole days.

I feel as though today I should have woken up a new woman. 100 nights alone in bed at night. 100 times waking up alone. Surely that should be enough to shake this all off.

Alas not.

I have a plan of action going forward and two responses from him in one week is really positive. But it is Saturday!

Had a lovely few hours with my horses in the sunshine this morning. They really are the most amazing creatures and I am so lucky. I have to do everything I possibly can to keep them. They are such big hearted animals and it fills my heart to hear them call for me when they see me.

I took the 3 headed beast for a walk down the road this morning rather than on the moors. Wow what a mistake. I don't know how we didnt get hit by a car or arrested for causing a public nuisance! Not to be repeated any time soon. I'll take my chances with the boogeyman on Dartmoor!

So it's another exciting evening of channel hopping with interludes to the bare kitchen cupboards. I keep hoping the comfort food fairy will visit but the cupboards are still empty each time I open them!

Tomorrow a new person moves into the stable next to me. This will be the first new person I've met since being single and she doesn't know about him. It feels a bit odd. Everybody knows me, or knew me, as half of Gav and Sarah.

Now I'm just Sarah.

Day 99

Friday today. Everybody is rushing home to start their weekend. Getting ready to go out or making plans for the next 2 days.

I also rush home on Friday, same as every other day. I rush home to my barking dogs. I rush home to get to my horses. These things should make me happy. I choose to have the animals, I am prepared to do the work and struggle to find the money, but I really have nothing else.

He has replied to my email again. I should be happy. I almost have agreement in my favour. But instead I cried all the journey home and I sat in my car outside my house while my dogs were barking, just blubbing. I'm crying now.

The brief communication we have is so emotionless. He doesn't ask how I am, gives no indication that he's sorry or remorseful. It hurts. It will probably always hurt which is why I need to be rid of him and have no contact ever again. In a couple of weeks it would have been our seventh anniversary. Thats a long time, a proper grown up relationship. Not a fling for a few months. To know he can just wipe me from his life is so horrible.

I still maintain I'm now better without him. If he knocked on the door I wouldn't take him back, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me still. Rejection is a terrible thing.

So its Friday night and while lots of people are looking forwards to their night, I've fed my horses, walked my dogs, had something for dinner out of the freezer and I've bleached my tache!

Day 98

Today's blog post is about there being no blog post.

I have nothing to write about, nothing going on, nothing any different than any other day.

I am boring. I am bored.

Day 97

Yippee Woohoo Hurray!

I've had a reply to my email. He's alive...he's answered me.

Imagine my disappointment when he doesn't acknowledge any of the points I'd raised or suggestions I made. No mention of money or equity or percentages.

Simply....can we wait until after Christmas to put the house for sale?

Whaaaat? What is his malfunction? Seriously? I am at my wits end. It is worst than dealing with a child who could at least string a sentence together!

I replied too quickly without thinking.

Of course I'd love to stay in my house as long as possible. If he's willing to carry on paying then bring it on. But only if an agreement can be reached now about who gets what.

So I've emailed him again tonight with a counter proposal and giving him 2 days to reply or I go ahead with estate agents without his agreement and instruct a solicitor to boot! The estate agent I've chosen can market without his involvement, I just won't actually be able to  exchange contracts. I hope it doesn't come to that so will just overlook that minor problem for now.

What a complete bellend he is. He's calling all the shots still. I don't know or care what his ulterior motive is for delaying the house. But its still all about him. He has no shame. Thank god I've got myself together now but for all he knows I'm in the same state as when he last saw me 3 months ago and I'm surrounded by and being tortured by the sight of his stuff. Hes not considering me at all.

I want to go mad and smash all his precious shit. It's crap, a TV, clothes, tool box. But I better play nice, tiptoe round the eggshells so as not to upset the moron. The lying granny shagging twerp.

I'll wait until I manage to get a signed agreement and then me and his motorbike have an appointment with an angle grinder.

Day 96

Proper scary walk on the moors in pitch black tonight.

If I broke my leg in a hole or was attacked by the boogeyman, nobody would know apart from the dogs who would likely make a run for freedom if I was half dead on the floor.

Another reminder of being alone...alone....alone. As I type it I hear it like an echo...am I losing the plot now?

Went out for lunch today with 2 current and 1 former workmate. It was nice, I felt normal. Not on edge that someone might say something that would upset me. I laughed and joked and enjoyed myself. Got excited at work talking about our friends wedding next year. I'd love to wear the lovely dress I wore for my sisters wedding in Italy. It was 3 years and 3 stone ago. I have until September, I could do it. If only I'd stop thinking/eating about it. Would it be weird to wear the same dress I wore when I was with him? Would I feel funny? I'd look like a giant bright floral nightmare in central London I know that much. I got away with it in 30 degrees sunshine in Amalfi.

I hope come September the horrible little waste of space won't enter my mind! Although going solo to a wedding is bound to be peculiar.

No contact from him about the house...sigh!

Day 95

I'm back on the roller coaster today.

It's very hard to explain. I feel good mostly, to the point that I got this. I own it. Almost feel empowered that I can hold a conversation, look people in the eye, I am not a wreck anymore. I can do this.

Then out of nowhere I'm back down again. For no particular reason that I can see. No obvious trigger. I don't revert to the blubbering wreck but I suddenly feel very down and like it's all back on my shoulders.

I do not miss him. I do not want him back.  The strongest feeling I have for him now is contempt.  The sadness is the situation. The loss of what I thought I had. A companion. Someone always there. The first person I think to tell when there's some gossip like someone at work is pregnant, or the shitty texter is being shitty. That is the void I feel when my face slips.

I think I'm doing really well. 94 days ago I was sawing at my arm with a pair of scissors. Having thoughts of doing much worse to myself. Thank God I didn't do anything so stupid over somebody so worthless.

So I am on the up..but also a little on the down on occasion but I think that's probably ok.

On a positive note I did think some more about dieting....while eating a cinammon bun followed by pistachio nuts for lunch!