Day 421

9.30 on Saturday night and I haven't seen or spoken to a single person since I left work at 5pm yesterday.

I've tidied the house a bit, done some washing, watched TV, eaten alot of crap. None of it has been very enjoyable or satisfying.

I'm kind of at the place where I would consider dating, or at least signing up to a website with some actual intentions rather than the way I signed up this time last year when I was pathetic and just needed some interaction. Except I can't do any of that because I'm 10 stone overweight and even if I met somebody that saw past that or found it attractive,  I don't. I hate the way I look, it has stripped me if all confidence and the ability to interact with people on a social level. I'm such an idiot to let this happen to me. Scratch that. It didnt happen. I did it. I did this to myself. And the way I cope with it is to ignore it and carry on eating. Pretend it isnt there.

I don't know how to fix it. Diet and exercise I hear you say. Thats all fine if you want to lose half a stone, seeing half a pound weight loss a week would be great. But when its a drop in the ocean its disheartening. You have to be so mentally strong and I'm just not. And I have no support. Although I'll never forget when Gavin agreed to go on a diet with me, on his first day we went to a local agricultural show and he actually cried, with real tears, because he wanted a burger from the van and he had to have one. Great support there, thanks alot.

I'm sure I've said it before but I was slim and good looking when I met him. He was fat. Now I'm fatter than he ever was. I always blame him for being a food pusher, a feeder, but the truth is that nobody could ever make me do something I really don't want to. I am one stubborn fucker. This is all my fault and I don't know what to do about it.

Life is passing me by and I'm just sitting here comfort eating.