Lazy day.
A brief visit from my friend, the over paid work colleague, and 2 of her kids. The plumber was late but seems to have fixed the leak. Afternoon nap on the world's uncomfiest sofa. Complete soaking in torrential rain.
Tomorrow...more of the same.
I have a problem with my memory. A serious problem. I need to see a doctor about it. I forget words, forget what I'm doing, find it hard to hold a conversation sometimes.
Today at work it caused a big argument. I have absolutely no recolletion of a conversation I supposedly had at the beginning of the week. I wanted to cry after he shouted at me to sort my brain and my memory out. I've been joking about it for a while but to hear somebody actually say that to me was really upsetting. Because its obviously become noticeable.
I tried to tell my mum about it a few weeks ago, how I thought in all seriousness I had early signs of Alzheimer's. She laughed at me, like it was a joke. I felt pretty dam small.
I really need to talk to a doctor but I just find them so useless and dismissive that it's really off putting.
Tomorrow my friend, the former overpaid work colleague, is driving over to see me. She's bringing 2 of her 3 children. I'm not looking forwards to it. The house is a tip, the dogs aren't child friendly. I have a man coming to look at a leak in the kitchen at the same time. I'm so used to being alone at home, 4 other people will feel suffocating.
God I'm such a miserable cow.
It's his birthday today.
I haven't been tempted to message him. I've barely given him a thought.
It's amazing to me that I can talk about it, about him, without breaking down now. If it comes up in conversation I always wonder if the other person is cringing inside hoping I don't cry. There was a time when it didnt matter who you were or where I was. I was going to cry. Out loud.
But those days are long gone. Sometimes I do fee a little emotional but it's when I think on how I felt rather than him. It's hard to remember the physical pain it caused me at the time let alone mentally. It was a lifetime ago, or so it feels.
So that's 2 birthdays without each other now. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I hope so. I hope he's missed me today. Serves him right.
Urgh work is so dull. I don't know how people say they would get bored being at home all day. I say bring it on. I still want my pay at the end of the month though.
Tonight I had my first dog walk by torch light. Winter is most definitely on the way.
Alfie dog also christened my new floor. By christened I mean pissesd on! Well he was doing it on the rug until I shouted at him and then then he ran a circuit of the room while still weeing. Great! But it is only a floor. He can't help it!
Back to work after a week off is never good.
Luckily I had the thoughts of putting the furniture back into the living room in the evening to keep me going. It was exciting, like having a new toy waiting for me at home.
Unfortunately the fun was taken away when I noticed a flood in the kitchen and discovered a leaking washing machine or dishwasher hose. Fantastic. Every time there's something good there is immediately something bad. I don't have the tools or skills to mess around and risk making it worse so I've turned the water off until I can find somebody to fix it for me. What a pain in the back side.
I've moved the furniture back where it came from but have lost interest in unpacking anything this evening so have left it for another day.
Alfie my elderly dog is driving me to distraction and to the point that I want to smack him one. It's so sad. He can't help it but he is fucking annoying. The constant whining and licking and chewing noises he makes are fraying my nerves. I have to remind myself how I will feel when he's not here and its heartbreaking. I cannot move an inch without him jumping up to follow me. Everywhere. A friend at work lost her dog yesterday. I bet she'd give anything to have him back and here's me thinking about bashing my dogs head in. My chest tightens when I think of how I love him...but it's so hard.
It's one of those times when I wish I'd never started something.
The carpet in my living room was manky. My neighbour lent me a carpet washer but in my frustration in not getting the stupid thing to work I decided to get it ripped out and cheap laminate floor laid instead. I hate laminate flooring. I had a cheap quote of £100 to lay it so off I went to B&Q to pick the floor that would cost me around £200. I left with an order of solid oak flooring costing more like £600. Still a bargain but way more than I wanted to spend considering I could've just asked the neighbour how to use her vacuum and replaced the shampoo for £5.
Fitting day arrives, but the flooring fitter doesn't. I heaved all the furniture out of the living room into the kitchen and sat there for 4 hours until he arrived. Only to be told I had been sold underlay but in fact needed glue. Off I went back to B&Q...the fucking glue is £42!
He worked for a few hours and left me with half a floor and a bad back after I spent all day sitting on a hard dining chair in the kitchen watching Netflix on an IPad with a low battery. Dinner consisted of cold leftover pasta from the fridge as no chance I can use the oven. I could only just reach a fork from the drawer.
I ended up going to bed around 9pm.
Today he was due back at 9.30 -10. He arrived at 10.45. I had of course had a major panic that he'd decided not to come back and had left me with half a floor. But he arrived and off I went to B&Q again. More sodding glue and another pack of oak boards. This is really getting quite expensive now and I'm not feeling the love for my new floor. If it's not a bargain I dont like it.
So here I am. Back at the kitchen table with a numb bum. Claustrophobic with all the boxes and things from the living room. Hungry.
I need to go out and put air in my new cars tyres. One of them is vey flat and knowing my luck punctured. I've had the car since Thursday evening but not driven it yet as the steering wheel was gross. I've disinfected it and scrubbed with bicarbonate. I think I've actually taken the outer layer of the steering wheel off. So I need to buy a cover for it. But I'm trapped in the house. More specifically the kitchen. The dogs are farting and snoring. It is unpleasant.
Back to work tomorrow. I don't feel like I made the most of my week off. Although I have decorated the bathroom, bought a car and had a spontaneous oak floor put down. It's been expensive. Anyone would think I have money. I do not.
It's Gavin's birthday this week. I can't help but wonder what he'll be doing. It's so strange that someone is so much a part of your life and then overnight....they're not. A little like somebody dying I guess. Except with the added feeling of total and utter betrayal and worthlessness thrown in for good measure.
He would like my house. He would have been happy here. He would have liked the sociable neighbours, the view, the dog walks on the door step. Well tough luck fucker. Hope you're miserable under whichever rock you've found to live under.
Hours later and I'm still sitting here. My arse needs to have this chair surgically removed. My back is killing. The sawing and banging noises have subsided so I'm hoping he's nearly finished. Too late for me to get to the shop to buy a steering wheel cover though so I'm sticking to the courtesy car for as long as possible.
The last couple of hours have seen me involve myself in a "discussion" on Twitter. A woman, not as young as I assumed she was, had commented on a dinner date with a married colleague she was in love with. She was wishing he'd leave his wife, they had chemistry, they were just friends. All that crap. Thankfully I missed the original conversation as the aftermath was ridiculous enough. I cannot understand why anybody would risk another persons life just to lust after somebody that isn't available to be lusted after. This sounds very dramatic but I cannot honestly say that I wouldn't have attempted suicide last year if I hadn't had the responsibility of my animals to keep me grounded. The fucking old grab a granny trout having sex with my fiancé could have ended my life. And I've had sex with him more than enough to know that it is definitely not worth a human life. Any life. Nobody knows the consequences of these actions. I doubt Gavin or the slapper wondered if I'd kill myself if I found out. I doubt they considered me at all. Because they're selfish. People who cheat are selfish. As far as I am concerned there is not one single thing that can justify it. Bad relationship? Leave? Unhappy? Leave. It's all about choices and whether a person has a moral compass. Unfortunately in my case he didn't. He obviously wasn't happy and instead of removing himself from the situation he decided to temporarily gratify himself with some married grandmother...hardly a catch. Either of them.
Anyhow..my flooring is down and it does look really good. I can't move any furniture in yet, thanks to the ridiculously expensive glue, so I'm looking at another uncomfortable evening in the kitchen. The extra wood I bought this morning wasn't needed after all so it's actually ended up costing me less than originally planned for. I was going to give the guy extra money as £100 is so cheap, but after he was late again this morning I thought fuck it.
So with my spare cash I'm going to order my 3rd takeaway this week. Well...I don't have a cooker!
Not a great day on the home improvement front.
Delayed arrival of the contractor
Miscommunication
Insufficient equipment
More money
Hours sitting in the kitchen on a hard chair
Half a built oak floor
Early night with a bad back
DIY again.
My drill made another appearance. I put some blinds up in my newly painted bathroom. They are totally lopsided but I don't care. The bathroom looks so much better despite the paint splatters on the floor and the blobs on the ceiling.
Tomorrow my new oak floor is being laid. I need to empty my living room but it's hard to move furniture alone. I've been lazy and left it tonight. I'll have to attempt it in the morning. Even moving the TV is hard work.
Back to work next week...boo!
God I hate painting!
After getting up at 6.30 to do the horses so I could get home early and wait for my new flooring delivery, I had a long day ahead of me.
So I decided to paint the bathroom. 3 coats later and I'm never picking up a bloody paint brush again. I hate it! There is more paint on the floor and the ceiling than on the bloody wall. And I don't even like the colour so get no satisfaction at all out of finishing it.
My new old car turned up. Im getting more money from the insurance company than I expected so I won't be out of pocket at least. Tomorrow I'll disinfect the inside and have a proper look and no doubt find lots wrong with it. But beggars can't be choosers.
I realised today that its Gavins birthday next week. Tosser. I hope he's alone and misses getting presents from the dogs and horses.
Probably this time last year I posted on Facebook asking for suggestions for places I could volunteer on Christmas day as I couldn't face the thought of Christmas without you know who.
This evening I found a message a few weeks old sent to me by a lady who had seen the post and was in a similar situation. It's made me feel very sad. Not for me. But for anybody that has to experience the awful feelings I had last year. I did repond to her and sent her a link to my first diary entry to see if it could help her at all. I don't know her circumstances, they may be completely different to mine, but it has prompted me to read my first entry again.
I'm not clever enough to add a fancy "press here" thingy so here's the link...
http://dayssincetheworldended.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/since-world-ended-day-21.html?m=1
Wow. It feels like a different person wrote it. My heart breaks for the me of then. I've forgotten the pain, the physical pain I felt. I don't ever want to feel it again. I also feel sick reading about how much I loved Gavin.
Puke! I wouldn't give that spineless motherfucker the time of day now. I have come so far, changed so much. But I bet he's the same slimy little slug that I now know him to be. So long sucker!
I went out today to look for some cheap laminate flooring for my living room.
I ended up buying a solid oak floor and a Ford Focus.
No work today.
I spent a lovely day at the stables drinking coffee and catching up with a couple of stable mates that I've not seen much of. I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to laugh and feel normal.
I had my hair cut for the first time in at least 2 years. About 4 inches off.
Tomorrow I look for living room flooring and view a not so cheap old car.
I had another visitor to the house today.
A man to quote to lay some new flooring. There was was no dog poo. I felt very proud.
I've been trawling the internet and Facebook looking for a car. All the cars for 50p have a trillion miles on the clock and 2 days of MOT left. It's doing my head in and stressing me out. Even if I got a loan for a couple of thousand I'd still have a pretty rubbish car only I'd resent putting the world's hairiest dog on the back seat. She's too big to fit in the boot of a hatchback comfortably and I can't afford to run another estate car now that I work so far away. Arghgh it's driving me mad.
No work for the next week so I have 2 missions. To choose and order new flooring and to find a car that I can afford and that I can rely on.
I shall no doubt instead spend the week on my arse watching TV.
Slept better last night but felt terrible this morning after being ill last night.
I had to wait around at home for a hire car to be delivered before I could go to work
It arrived about 10.30 so I had a chance to try shake off the rough head. When it arrived I thought oh poo, its a bloody Skoda. But actually I love it and dont want to give it back. I'd forgotten how nice it is to have a smooth driving modern car. I had a big diesel estate car for years and then the old car thats just been killed, both were like driving buses. This is so light and I was doing almost 100mph on my way home before I realised I'm 42 and not 17.
No work now for 10 days. Time to find a replacement car, paint my bathroom and spend some time with my horses.
I can't wait!
Smashed up car
Stress head
Pissed off
The universe decided to remind me about my bad luck as I'd been happy for the past month. Thanks alot.
This morning was a bit of a fuck up.
I got up at 5 as normal, saw to the dogs, went back to bed. Only I was wide awake, couldn't get back to sleep until gone 6. Was tossing and turning. Ended up online looking catching up on Twitter. By the time my alarm went off I must have just nodded off. I was knackered. Could barely open my eyes. Decision made. Call in sick. Set my alarm for 8.30 so I could call work. Too tired to even think about feeling guilty.
8.20 I woke up. Fuck! I need to go to work. I text in saying I'd overslept and rushed like mad to feed the dogs, have a shower, drive to get petrol, drive 26 miles to work, find car park full, drive to another, park, walk to work. Land at 10am. Bollocks.
How annoying. I wasn't able to have a lunch break so the day dragged and dragged.
This evening there were no unexpected guests, no dog poo. Some minor vomit but it was on the carpet and I've got the neighbours washer to use at the qeekend so I'm not fussed.
Still stuffed my face today but I did send off for some info on turning vegan!
My alarm was set for 5am this morning so I could go check my horses were ok with the horrible weather. I got up when my alarm went off, well I sat up in bed. I checked the weather forecast and decided they'd been battered during the night and it was hardly worth going to bring them in as the forecast was better for today.
Boring day at work clock watching. I ate loads. Since my weight whining 2 days ago and all the support I've had I seem to be eating more. Panic eating. Like people who panic buy when there's a storm coming.
This evening I really shamed myself. I basically had 2 meals on one plate. Well, my stir fry stuff needed eating but there wasnt enough for a whole meal so I had stir fry noodles on the side of my actual dinner. I knew it was gross. Proven by the fact that as I dished up my plate and the doorbell rang I shoved it under the grill to hide it.
That was the least shameful thing to happen to me this evening.
When I got changed this evening I put on my comfy stretchy trousers that happen to be white. They are extremely unflattering and never to be worn outside my home. But they were a couple of pounds in the M&S sale so I just bought them. I clearly remember thinking to myself as I put them on that you have to be confident to wear white trousers...especially if you had a tummy ache.
And no I did not shit my pants..as such.
The ringing doorbell was my lovely neighbour unexpectedly dropping by with her carpet washing machine thing as I'd mentioned the carpet was gross and stinky. I was already embarassed at being almost caught with my massive meal and wearing unflattering white trousers. Imagine my horror while looking down at the demo she was giving me I spotted at shin length on my white trousers a great big brown splodge. A look a little further down to the wooden floor revealed a small puddle of said brown splodge. It was at this point it dawned on me that my dog had shit himself aka followed through and it was a) somehow on my fucking trousers b) about to be run over by my neighbours vacuum. Why does this happen to me? The first visitor to my house since I moved and I've actually got dog shit on me .
After trying to strike up a conversation with me to no avail, she left. No doubt thinking I was really rude but honestly I couldn't hear anything except the voice in my head which kept asking "has she seen the shit, shall I say something?" Just to make it worse as she left she took a long look at something on the side table. I reckon it was an attachment I bought to put on my shower to hold the head. But its long and white and I'm convinced she thought it was a vibrator.
Karma for not getting up and going to my horses this morning.
After yesterdays moans about my weight I've had some really lovely supportive messages from my online friends. Nobisy has judged me or made negative comments about how much I weigh. I'm amazed.
I feel like I have the support there to be able to do it, I just need to...do it!
Maybe tomorrow, or the day after.
Last night I dreamt of Gavin again. Why is he bothering me after all this time? I wonder if there's a specific trigger or if my subconscious is just cruel. Today I saw on the news that a man on his 30s had died in an accident. It was near me, there was nothing to suggest it was Gavin, yet I instantly think of him. When will it stop?
Tomorrow I have to get up at 5am to go to check my horses before work as the weather is bad. It's all downhill from here until next April. Great!
9.30 on Saturday night and I haven't seen or spoken to a single person since I left work at 5pm yesterday.
I've tidied the house a bit, done some washing, watched TV, eaten alot of crap. None of it has been very enjoyable or satisfying.
I'm kind of at the place where I would consider dating, or at least signing up to a website with some actual intentions rather than the way I signed up this time last year when I was pathetic and just needed some interaction. Except I can't do any of that because I'm 10 stone overweight and even if I met somebody that saw past that or found it attractive, I don't. I hate the way I look, it has stripped me if all confidence and the ability to interact with people on a social level. I'm such an idiot to let this happen to me. Scratch that. It didnt happen. I did it. I did this to myself. And the way I cope with it is to ignore it and carry on eating. Pretend it isnt there.
I don't know how to fix it. Diet and exercise I hear you say. Thats all fine if you want to lose half a stone, seeing half a pound weight loss a week would be great. But when its a drop in the ocean its disheartening. You have to be so mentally strong and I'm just not. And I have no support. Although I'll never forget when Gavin agreed to go on a diet with me, on his first day we went to a local agricultural show and he actually cried, with real tears, because he wanted a burger from the van and he had to have one. Great support there, thanks alot.
I'm sure I've said it before but I was slim and good looking when I met him. He was fat. Now I'm fatter than he ever was. I always blame him for being a food pusher, a feeder, but the truth is that nobody could ever make me do something I really don't want to. I am one stubborn fucker. This is all my fault and I don't know what to do about it.
Life is passing me by and I'm just sitting here comfort eating.
TFI Friday. This week at work has been painfully boring.
Not like my adventures this evening. After seeing to the horses and walking the dogs I was driving home when I came across a car blocking the narrow lane. The lady was trying to stop a loose horse getting past. Of course I went into rescue mode and off I went armed with a handful of mints to help catch the ginger beast as it was really quite dark and an accident waiting to happen. Some time later I remembered I had my dogs and handbag abandoned in the car so rushed back to check I had at least got the dogs still. Dogs and handbag accounted for, I tried to start the engine to at least let some oxygen into the car but alas it was not meant to be. I had left the warning lights on and they had run my battery down. I could have cried. I flashed back to last year and the 2 or 3 times It happened to me when I was at my lowest. I couldn't believe it. Thankfully I was able to ask another car behind me to help and the lovely guy, on his way to deliver pizza which must have been cold by then, gave me a push start. When that didnt work another guy came to help and would you believe it he was another pizza delivery guy. We were in the middle of nowhere! I'm so thankful they helped me. And the horse was caught, unharmed.
I didn't think of Gavin once really. Not like earlier today when I had a text message from a number I didn't recognise. Every time it happens, for a moment I wonder if it's him. Why? Who knows. I don't want to hear from him but deep down I guess I want to feel like I matter and that he misses me. It's so stupid, admitting it here has brought tears to my eyes. If he knocked on my door now and begged me I'd send him packing. I guess because I don't have anything else. Anyone else. I have an online community and friends but in real life, in person, I am alone.
Incidentally the unknown text was from the pizza takeaway. Is the universe sending me messages about pizza?
A boring day at work.
3 horses to do this evening, it was pitch black by the time I got home. Depressing, it's nearly winter.
Home in time to cook a pizza and eat 2 Cornetto's.
No DIY today.
This evening I took the dogs for a walk around the neighbourhood for a nosey. I came across the doctor's surgery which is handy as I didn't know where it was
Considering I live in an area that I thought was a bit rough with a bad reputation, it was a dead quiet. Some of the houses are a bit scruffy but so what. Mine is scruffy but I'm not a scroat. I feel so much more relaxed living here, I was so uptight at the old house.
As I arrived back home my neighbour opened her bedroom window and we had a chinwag for 10 minutes until she actually came out to talk to me. It was so nice, so friendly. I am not used to this. She's lovely and friendly, her kids are nice. It makes such a difference. Good riddance to the miserable mother fuckers that I used to live next door to.
Tonight's the night.....
The night I unbox my drill and venture into new uncomfortable DIY territory. The hanging of the blinds!
I opened the drill, plugged it in then wondered what the hell to do. I've always just taken for granted that you drill a hole, stick the plastic plug in and off you go..screws away. But no..apparently you have to pick a drill bit. And a plastic plug. They must be the right size for the screw you want to use. Suddenly this is not so interesting and I'm bored before I start.
Some googling and head scratching later and I've decided which things to use. Next hurdle, put the drill bit in the drill. I mean for fucks sake..scientists have grown a human ear on the back of a mouse, a bloody mouse! Why can't attaching a drill bit to a drill be a little more obvious? After resorting to the awful manual I managed to do it, result!
Of course the blind fitting instructions make next to no sense, the only bit I understand is that 2 people are required to carry out the installation. Well I won't be beaten by this!
Off I go...
I cannot believe the sheer terror I felt using a hammer drill for the first time. I shit myself, figuratively speaking. It was so scary and so loud. But you know what, I did it. My measuring left alot to be desired and I only had to whack and bend one bracket to get the blind to fit. But it did. And then the second one did.
Only to my horror its a totally different colour. Completely bare wood compared to the other which is a shade darker.
What the actual fuck. My achievement satisfaction went straight out the window. One of the blinds also has dodgy wonky slats and the pelmet bits fell off.
I was so annoyed, hot, sweaty and dusty after 2 hours messing around to be left with something only marginally better than the the net curtains.
I had my dinner, watched an hour of TV then remembered I'd bought 3 blinds, one for a spare room. It must match one of the blinds, I can't be unlucky enough to have bought 3 with different shades, surely?
Thankfully it did match the darker colour wonky slat one so a quick swap and it's sorted. I just need to buy some glue to stick the pelmets on and its done.
Now too tired to care.
I battled my demons today and won.
I got my paint brush out again and painted my bedroom. It was a real struggle to keep going, I was willing to down tools after one wall. But I persevered and I'm so glad I did.
I don't spend much time in my bedroom, apart from sleeping, but it's such a relief even just to have moved the boxes out to another room. The walls are now white not tobacco coloured magnolia. The net curtains are down. All the furniture has been moved and the carpet all hoovered properly. Who knew cleaning a filter in the vacuum made such a difference! It's only taken 3 years to notice the filter compartment.
I've smashed a glass lamp shade, broken a standard lamp pole and got a right hand full of blisters. And my room stinks. But it's done and now I feel I can finally unpack some personal things.
But I'll leave that for another day.
Next job...get my new drill out of its box and hang the blinds!
I was like a woman possessed in the DIY shop today.
I bought 4 window blinds for me to put up with the drill I bought the other week which is still in its box. I spent ages looking at the bloody things as they didnt have the colour I wanted but were in the sale. It's so hard not having a second opinion. I was always the decision maker anyway but it's nice to have someone give their opinion so you can ignore it.
I rushed home with my purchases, rawplugs included, and proceeded to spend the rest of the day watching TV. And then I realise tonight that one of the blinds is wrong. All 4 windows are the same size yet one of the boxes is clearly 25% smaller than the others. Am i fucking stupid? Yes I am. So tomorrow it's back to the DIY shop where they have now probably sold out of what I need and I will probably spend another £100 on stuff to bring home and dump in the hallway.
Today's been a bit rubbish.
Minor bust up with my work colleague put a downer on most of the day. I was so desperate to get home even though I've only been in 2 days this week.
Tonight my isolation kind of hit me. I'm totally alone, living my life.. wasting my life. I'm 42 and I have nothing and nobody. It's pretty pathetic.
I didn' feel sad, it was like I just remembered. Oh, I'm in this house, alone, I haven't spoken to anybody for hours. This house has become my safe place so quickly. I don't want to go out anywhere, I just want to hide indoors.
It's going to be a very lonely life if I don't do something about this
