Day 322

My car breaking down has really set me back mentally.

Instead of enjoying the bank holiday like most of the population,  I was in my house, alone, crying. I feel really alone again and just typing this has made me cry again. I feel like an outcast. A pariah. I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends. I am eternally alone.

Why am I trying to buy a house with so many bedrooms? So my imaginary friends can stay over after the imaginary parties and get togethers all my imaginary friends love so much.

I dont even have anyone to give me a lift to look at a cheap car to buy, other than my parents who must be sick to death of me. I noticed at lunch with them at the weekend that my mum has a nice screensaver on her phone. A photo of her and my sister. Reminded me of the Christmas a couple of years ago when we all came downstairs and my mum gushed at my sister about how lovely she looked, and there was me in the corner, invisible. I don't even fit in with my own fucking family.

The only person that got me, my wing man, was the cheating motherfucker that's caused all of this shit for me. I must have been so awful in another life to have that prick be the only person thats made me feel special. What a cruel joke to play on me.

So.....all of that was written last night. Having read it again it's made me cry. I've decided to leave it in today's entry as although I look pathetic and jealous and needy, it's the truth. Most of the time I rise above it but its always there, underneath. I know you're supposed to make your own luck and success but its so hard when you feel inferior for no reason.

My car is being towed again. This time to a local garage so they can look at it. I know its going to be expensive and I can't pay for it but at least its gone from the front of my house.  My parents have very kindly offered to loan me their enormous car until I come up with a solution. So I will have wheels to get to work and the horses but the petrol will cost a fortune. Hopefully I wont have an accident in it as there won't be any damage cover on my insurance.

Good news is that the survey was done on my house this morning and seemed to go well.

.....writing in instalments today. My car is dead. It will cost over £1000 to repair. Even if I had the money it's not worth fixing it. Disaster. A scrap yard has offered me £50. It's got a full tank of diesel worth £60 in it let alone the CD changer and alloys etc. It's just shit.

Just to confuse me even more I went to see one last house this afternoon. Took my parents with me as they were around helping me with the car anyway. Bloody hell I offered the asking price there and then. The owner is "thinking about it". What's to think about? Full asking price!! I need an answer before 11am tomorrow as I have my mortage appointment and don't want to cancel it as I have taken precious time off work. 

Ffs how do I end up with no cars and 2 houses! And I'm now embarrassed by the earlier self pity party!