Day 229

Everyday I think "today will be the day". But in 27 days I have had no requests to view my house.

I am getting really iritated by it now.

Day 228

More of the same.

Dogs horses work.

I left work an hour earlier than usual and got to the horses in daylight. It was so nice. I really enjoyed myself. Walking the dogs after was freezing. Its been a day of sunshine, rain, wind, hailsones and sleet.

I keep thinking about texting my ex. He's supposedly coming with man and van on Sunday to take his clothes...thank fuck finally..and furniture. But I've not heard from him for a few weeks. I want to know what the plan is and make sure he brings his own boxes and bags. When he was here a few weeks ago he went into the kitchen, my kitchen, and helped himself to a carrier bag. It felt petty so I didn't say anything but inside I was screaming "fuck you that cost me 6p motherfucker get your own bastard bags".

If I text him he may reply and I'll just be irritated. If he doesnt reply I'll also be irritated. So I've just talked myself out of texting him at all. Result. If he wants to come round he'll have to text me.

Day 227

I went to bed with a smile on my face last night after receiving a really kind message from somebody. Totally out of the blue for no reason other than they were kind and generous a virtual stranger offered me help.

I woke this morning and was smiling again to see this lovely persons husband had also messaged me.

So many people have been so kind and supportive to me and carried me through the worse experience of my life. Most of these people I will never meet, alot I don't even know their names.  It really is an amazing thing and I feel quite emotional thinking about it now.

The fact that strangers have been kinder to me than the man I thought I would be spending my life with has shown me that there may be someone out there for me when I'm ready. I had convinced myself that I had played it safe with him. He was a good guy and if even he could do this to me, then I could trust noone. But I have been shown that there are better people than him out there. He wasn't a good guy, he was just "a" guy. There are nicer kinder people out there.

And one of them might have my name on him. I just need to find him when the times right.

I've said it before but I'll say it again,  Thank you for supporting me. For reminding me of the good things when I'm having a wobble, for your encouragement when I feel there's no hope. For reading my words when I feel all alone. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare.

Day 226

Boring. My life is so boring. I'm stuck in purgatory. Or groundhog day. Just more of the same...

7 months later and I'm still in the same house. No further on with my life. At least I'm not thinking about topping myself anymore, although it might be a welcome relief from the inane boredom.

I turn 42 in August. I feel as though my life is passing me by. I cannot move on or consider any future while stuck in this bloody house.

I'm going out of my mind with frustration and stress from the permanently whiney senile dog.

How did I end up here?

Oh yes...poor choices! Very poor choices!

Day 225

Today started so well.

It was a beautiful morning. There was actual daylight and sunrise while I walked the dogs after seeing to the horses.  By the time I got to work the sun was shining and it felt like spring was in the air. Unfortunately it was pretty cold and my car heater has decided to die on the drive in but arriving at work half frozen still didn't dampen my spirits.

I had stopped at the supermarket with my payday excitement and bought some crap to entertain me for the weekend. Come Monday the cupboards will be bare but I'll worry about that then.

I decided I wanted to go back for a second viewing of the manky house I viewed weeks ago.  I initially disliked it as it needs alot if work doing to it but as time has gone on I've decided that it is so cheap that I could make it perfect for me and the dogs. I haven't been back as with no buyer for mine I'm not in a good position to negotiate. But I've been obsessing about it..picked the new flooring and wall colours in my head already. So today I decided to arrange a second viewing as it's the owner that shows the house, then I can have a good chat with her about things. I made the online booking and was so disappointed to get an email telling me it was already under offer. Why the fuck didn't they update their website? I've been looking everyday to make sure it's still for sale. I've been living a fantasy...literally.

So I'm down in the dumps. My dream house, albeit manky with no parking, is gone. No fucker wants to view my house. There's nothing remotely interesting on the market. Life is shit.

Day 224

I am so hungry.
I can't stop thinking about food. Its boredom.
Tomorrow is pay day. I'm excited I can go to the supermarket tomorrow.
I need to get a life. That won't happen until I lose weight.
Food is my friend and companion and always has been.
I need to make a better friend.

Day 223

More of the same.

I had to tell my sister sister today that I can't travel up to London next month for my nieces first birthday. I feel really guilty as she wanted me to go. She had offered to pay for my hotel and a dog sitter. The shame of it! It was so kind of her and I'm really not ungrateful, but I am very proud and stubborn and the thought of leaving my senile old dog makes me very anxious as he is suffering from terrible separation anxiety since he lost his brother.

Tomorrow Storm Doris hits. Heavy rain and 50mph gales are forecast for 6am when I'm alone in the dark at the stables in the morning.

I shouldnt have watched some horror films at the weekend as I've crapped my pants the past couple of mornings.

I've been getting up even earlier this week, 4.50am. To be fair I've been in bed at 9pm the latest every night so it's not such a big deal. It's not very sociable though and not much of a life.

I hope that's not how it's going to be for the next 10 years!

Day 222

Yawn. The days are all the same. Nothing going on, nothing to write about. I'm so bored and frustrated.

A Wedding invite is winging its way to me. I knew it was coming. It was on my to do list for 2017. Lose weight for the wedding in London and make sure I go. Well, I've done nothing but eat the past few weeks and I'm now so poor that I don't think I can consider a trip to London as I don't even have the money to book a hotel room this far in advance.

Fed up.

Day 221

I spent 12 hours in bed last night.

I had the day off work to see to the horses, took the dogs for a nice walk.

Nothing else to see here, move along.

Day 220

Another long boring day.

Yesterday's positivity didn't last the whole weekend. I'm not feeling negative exactly, just not particularly positive. Mainly due to boredom.

Day of work tomorrow for the horse dentists annual visit.

Hopefully it'll be a good week.

Day 219

Its been a beautiful day here in Devon, it's felt like spring.

I spent a few hours with the horses this morning then took the dogs to my favourite place for a walk. I sat in the sunshine with my loyal companions looking at the view, miles of rolling hills across Dartmoor, and I had a thought....I'm happy! 

It's been a long time since I've felt that.

I've felt better, less crap. But I don't think I've actually fely happy and content at any point in the past 7 months.

It's amazing what a bit of sunshine and unconditional love from my animals can do for me.

No doubt he was working today. Or holed up in his new flat. I don't care. Whatever he was doing I was doing better. My horses whinny when they see me, they love cuddles from me, my dogs follow me everywhere. All the months I've been lonely I haven't really been alone. He has.

I've sat in the exact same spot I was today with him and I feel pity for him that he'll never sit there again. He wasn't an outdoorsy person when we met, his life changed alot. He'd never been near a horse and ended up being "dad" to 2. I don't expect he'll ever get to be around horses again and he would never consider going for a walk on the moors to see the lovely view.

His life has changed a lot too the past months due to his poor decisions. Oh well, his loss!

Day 218

More of the same.

Boredom, overthinking, frustration about the house, worry about money. Thinking about him.

This is my life. I want it to change.

I can reinvent myself. I want to move house and just be Sarah, not her at number 15 whose husband's left her.  It just takes one person to look at my house and like it and I can start on the road to the new me.

Day 217

Someone once told me that life is too short for shit shower gel. It struck a chord and ever since instead of buying crappy own brand stuff I buy something that smells nice and really is probably only 50p more.

It dawned on me this evening while loading my dishwasher with crappy own brand dishwasher tablets that I can no longer be so frivolous. Without realising I've already started to buy the cheaper things.

It's a sad realisation. I havent even moved house and gone financially independent yet and I'm already struggling for money.  Is this going to be my life now? Forever worrying about money?

I can't afford the horses. I can't give up the horses. They're an extension of me and I would be lost without them. It's so wrong that I would even have to consider it. All because some weak minded fool felt flattered by some old trouts attention when things at home weren't so bloody perfect. What a total waste. I wish he was actually with her, grab a granny. Its so pointless otherwise. I've lost my family, my home (if it ever sells), my dignity. Just because of his ego. And now he's single, living alone, clearly unhappy. Pointless.

Life is too short for shit shower gel and matching socks. Sometimes we have no choice and we just have to make the best of it.

Day 216

Boring uneventful day.

I shed a few tears listening to a powerful song but they weren't over him.

My dogs are driving me insane. They're pestering me all the time. Begging for food and treats. No wonder I keep going to bed so early! I'm trying not to lose my temper with them as I remember how terrible I felt to lose little Ronnie before Christmas.

I'll try and make it to 9pm tonight!

Day 215

Valentine's Day. And I couldn't care less.

This is huge. A massive indicator that I'm on the mend. The special day to celebrate love and couples and I'm on my own with leftover pasta and the TV, and I really don't mind.

This is the first year in 7 that I haven't had flowers and a balloon. No delivery to work. I didn't even realise the day to begin with.  I did briefly think of texting him. Something rude, just calling him a dickhead or similar. But I can't be bothered. He is a dickhead but after seeing him at the weekend I feel less angry towards him. In fact I just feel....less.

So I'll leave it to grab a granny or whoever else wants him to text him on Valentines Day because it won't be me!

Day 214

Impromptu day off work today.

Got the car battery changed so hopefully one less thing to worry about.

Valentine's Day tomorrow. I'm ok, not really bothered. Seeing him at the weekend has been like therapy. A weight has been lifted.

I hope I feel so chirpy come tomorrow.

Day 213

I did text him back last night.

I told him he could've fixed things. He said he couldn't and that I know he couldn't. I replied that that was bollocks, I'd waited for him for months but he is a coward. He finds it easier to run than to make any effort.

No reply. No surprise.

I spent alot of the evening overthinking. Fingers twitching over my phone. But I restrained myself, I'd already said too much. I feel a little annoyed with myself. While he was here I was strong, I had the upper hand. But when he'd left I relapsed into the pathetic needy twat that wants to text.

I'm ok today apart from a banging headache. I think the stress from yesterday has caught up with me.

Back to concentrating on me and my future.

Day 212. A reunion

So I'm in my car, broken down with a flat battery.

I was en route to view a house and already stressed as my ex has messaged while I'm out to ask if he can come round this afternoon to collect his TV after changing the time he was coming twice already.

I'm freezing cold. No battery = No heating.

I've text him to warn him that I might be late. He's text back asking where I am. Not sure it's relevant so I tell him I've called for recovery and will be back asap. Them he rings me. Where am I? He can come and help me. WTF.  No I don't want your help I've called my breakdown people. Oh..it's just that he's an hour early and he's outside my house. My mistake, for a moment I thought he may actually have been worried about me.  But no, he just wants to get home. He offers to come and help me. I can sit in his van with the heating on and get warm. What..and have a nice chat with him like we're friends?

So now I'm waiting, stressed, freezing cold and fucking crying.

How am I meant to see him for the first time in all these months when I feel so utterly pathetic.

The breakdown man has arrived. Please let me get home without any more drama.

     
                ---------------

I pulled into my road and there he was. In his van chatting to my neighbour which really annoyed me. No doubt having a laugh like pals. I ignored him, my neighbour tried to talk to me, I grunted.

I was so stressed. Shivering from both the cold and nerves. I didn't know how I was going to feel or react but I didn't want to do it in front of the guy that lives next door. They both came in to take the massive TV out to his van.

I could tell he was anxious too. He looked like shit. It sounds stupid but I really expected him to have lost weight and be doing good and I really resented it. But he looked heavier than I remember. No doubt living off takeaways. I feel smug. Before I went out I put make up on which is a rarity so I must have looked miles better than he remembers me..always in filthy clothes from the horses, messy hair etc.

He asked me when I was going to tell him the house was for sale. Well duh. When it was sold.

I got choked up when I spoke about the dogs. He was upset about some stuff too. He asked to use the loo and spent 5 minutes puking which was weird and gross. I was cool, offered him a drink. I asked him if he was happy. No, he choked out.  He actually got a bit cross with me when telling me he'd fucked up things for me, him, everybody. Self pity.

All in all it was very weird. Uncomfortable.
But I handled it. There were tears. Not out loud uncontrollable wailing,  just quiet tears rolling out, minding their own business. They're still doing it now.

He's been gone 20 minutes and he's text me to ask if I'm ok. I've said yes but was weird seeing him.

He says sorry for everything he has done.

I haven't bothered to reply.

Day 211

Argghgh the bastard has text me to ask if he can come round tomorrow night to take the TV.

That means I'm going to have to see him. I don't want to. I'm going to be upset. I'm upset just thinking about it.

Has he got no shame? He cheated on me, left me totally fucked and he's going to swan in here to get his precious TV after 7 months. Not his clothes. His TV.

I hate him. I hope he breaks his next carrying it out to his van.

Day 210

I cried on the drive to work today. It was anxiety over moving house...if it ever happens. Then it was because I was just saf about the whole situation.

A few hours later and I cannot express how relieved I am that I didn't phone him last night. He text me this morning to ask if my solicitor had received the paperwork. Err, you should have been asking me weeks ago fuckface. Surprise surprise he's checking everything is in order as he wants to come to my home and take some of his shit. I told him sure, but he has to stop at my parents house en route to collect the massive TV from the 1990s that they're storing for him. This precious item given to him by his now dead father that we had to cart half way across the country because it was so precious. This sentimental analogue monster that took space in the removal van so I had to leave things behind at our last home 300 miles away.  The piece of junk he'd forgotten about and now refuses to collect.

I'm so angry. He deserves none of my tears or thoughts. He's coming tobmy home on 5th March and will be leaving with the TV and internet. Fucking great. I can only assume that he's found himself a new bachelor wank pad and wants his stuff as it now suits him.  In the meantime I'll be stuck in the house cut off from the world..or so it will seem. I fucking hate him!

And I'm going to have to see him for the first time since July as he doesn't have a key. It's not going to be pretty. I'm not lifting a finger to help him and if he brings someone and they dare laugh in my house or do or say something I dont like I'm going to flip out.

And still no viewings for the house. Why is he able to move on like he did nothing wrong and I'm the one suffering.

Day 209

Today I have convinced myself that i miss him. I have cried because I miss him. I have cried because I'm alone and because I'm really anxious about my future.

I was going to phone him. For a chat. You know, like friends do. Like he probably tried to do with me a few months ago. But he's not my friend. He's the cause of all my pain and my anxiety. This also caused me to cry.

I'm feeling in a real slump. I'm sure I'll be ok in a few days and it's dowm to the fact that no fucker wants to view my house let alone buy it. Someone from work had their parents house sell in 2 days this week.  It's depressing. Upsetting.

Please just let something go my way.

Day 208

Tears today.

My solicitor finally admitted that she posted the paperwork it took over 4 months to get to no 3. I live at no 15.

She's contacted the people at no 3 who obviously didn't sign for it as it wasnt addressed to them, so it's gone back to Royal Mail never to be seen again. I cried. The solicitor says she can validate the photocopy she took (thank fuck), but out of sheer frustration I just cried. Thankfully I was about to go into a meeting at work so couldn't afford a full blown breakdown!

It just feels as though everything is against me. Nothing will go right. The awful estate agents haven't acknowledged my complaint about the sale board and I have no viewings. No doubt they now don't like me and are not pushing my house. The house a few doors down sold in 3 days. I've not even had a viewing.

Of course I'm thinking about my ex as well today. Just to make me feel even crappier. He has had someone from Bath sign the latest papers. Thats a really long way from where he told me he was living. Hours away. It's still so weird to think that he is a total stranger. I know nothing, not even what county he lives in. One day he was my fiance, the next..I never saw him again. I cried on my drive home from work.

Oh great and I'm crying again now. I feel such a loser. Embarrassed to be single. Estate agents asking me why I'm looking for houses. Well my husband cheated on me and now I have to sell my home and look at the pikey shithole you're marketing.

I'm fed up having these blips. I hate him I dont want him back..why am I back to thinking about messaging him?

Day 207

Boring.

No legal paperwork arrived.

No viewings booked for my house.

No dog wee.

Day 206

The lonely feelings are creeping back in today. Hardly surprising when I haven't spoken to any humans today.

I keep thinking about texting him again...
but I won't. It's only because I'm bored and lonely and they're both preferable to the feelings I experience when I'm in contact with him.

It's been almost 7 months, such a long time. I have almost forgotten what it was like to have him here, in my life. It's sad. I assume he's mostly forgotten me.
I know he has a new phone so he will have no photos of me or the animals. Typing that has brought me to tears.  Not because of me but for the animals. My poor Ronnie dog that died in December was his mate, he should have his picture. He deserves to be remembered.

Fucking bastard.

Also.. my dog wee'd on me as I got him out of my bed this morning. All through my tshirt to my bare skin. It was running down my legs. Just saying.

Day 205

Up bright and early this morning to clean and tidy my house for its first viewing. While frantically hoovering I missed the phone call to say the appointment was cancelled.

Just bloody great. Never mind, these things happen,  I said to the estate agent when I rang back.  I'd bought some lovely roses for the living room and had the fire ready to light. How disappointing. How unsurprising.

I also had a house to view today. I didnt really like the look if it or know the area although its only 15 minutes away. But it was cheap..really cheap. Am now I know why. It was manky..I wanted a shower as soon as I left. If I wasnt alone I would probably have snapped it up as it had everything I needed space and sizewise. But too much for me to manage alone with a full time job and the animals. I wouldn't be able to live in there and make improvements as I go. It would take too long and I'm lazy.

So an unsuccessful day on the property front.

On a positive I bought my dogs a new ball each and they were so happy and excited that it made everything ok.

Day 204

Crappy end to a crappy week.

No more viewings booked for my house.

No reply from my estate agent to my email sent this morning about the sale board outside.

No sign of the elusive paperwork supposedly sent on Monday by my solicitor.

All in all a disappointing week finishing off with a mad house clean early tomorrow morning for the viewing at 11 as tonight I'm not leaving the sofa.

Day 203

Its been the longest day today.

I barely slept last night as I opened the bedroom window as it was too hot with 2 dogs in the bed and the gales outside terrified my big dog. She spent what felt like most of the night clambering all over me and keeping me up. I wasn't very kind to her when she was frightened but she's forgiven me.

So I'm absolutely shattered. I managed the 20 mile drive home from work, just. I couldn't wait to get home as it was touch and go whether I would actually be able to stay awake the whole way. When I got home my heart sank and I was so upset to find a For Sale sign in my front garden after I specifically told the estate agent I didn't want one. Now I feel like all my neighbours are talking about it and looking it up on the internet. If my ex happens to do a drive by he will obviously know its for sale which I also didn't want. If he sees the asking price I know he willl be angry and be in contact which I need to avoid.

I feel so annoyed that its my house, my land, my decision, yet I'm insignificant enough to the estate agent that they just disregard my preferences.

Yet another occasion where I'm made to feel unimportant.

I'm so exhausted that I'm restraining myself sending an out of hours shitty email as I will no doubt regret it and probably think its not that big a deal tomorrow. 

But tonight I'm upset..

Day 202

I can confirm that zero dogs urinated in my bed overnight.

I spent most of the night awake checking to see if there had been any accidents along with worrying about house stuff, so felt like total crap this morning.

The crapness continued when my giant horse trod on my foot. Thankfully nothing broke but I've spent the day hobbling like an idiot.

No paperwork has arrived again but the solicitor has a copy that can be validated should it be lost forever in the post. 

Unfortunately there weren't people queuing up to arrange house viewings today so that's a bit disappointing. I know its only Day 2 of being for sale but still...

Knowing my luck nobody else will want to view it and I'll be stuck here forever with his bloody stuff. Kill me now!!

Macaroni Cheese for tea so the day has redeemed itself.