Sunday, 4 March 2018

Day ?

I don't know what number day it is. 500 and something? 600?

It's fucking groundhog day is what it is.

Every day is virtually the same, just with  varying degrees of shit and loneliness.

I haven't written in here since way before  Christmas, almost 3 months. It's not because I've been ok. It's because I couldn't be bothered. I've got myself into a huge rut verging on agoraphobia. Although I go out to work and the horses, the supermarket, but I always rush to get home.

I don't know why because there's nobody there. No partner, no child, no housemate, no friendly neighbour. No friends full stop. I'm really struggling seeing people go about their normal lives while I'm just a  bystander.

My car died this week. My bad luck hasn't abandoned me. Again I had noone to help, to give me a lift home or to the garage. I've had to buy a new car. No second opinion or advice. I don't have anybody to come and look at cars with me. I feel absolutely by myself.

I can usually keep myself in check but today its been really difficult. I've cried a fair bit. At one point I sat on the edge of my bed and for a brief moment considered ending it all. Which I wouldn't do. But I really wonder what is the point in my existence?

I make alot of jokes about being a hermit but it's a wall I've put up because I'm so crippled with insecurity about my appearance and my weight.  You have to make your own opportunities in life and I'm fully aware of that but.....I just can't at the moment and I'm spiralling behind the jokes and self deprecating comments.

I finally asked the doctor to refer me for weight loss surgery. The answer to all my problems, or so I'm telling myself this week. Of course as it was me and my crappy luck, the appointment was cancelled because of adverse weather so I'll probably never get the referral. It took alot for me to ask for help.

I dont expect anybody to read this as I haven't posted for so long but if anybody does, I apologise. This is the most disgusting self pitying entry I've ever written and it is not meant for sympathy so no need to comment. I hope I can look back in happier times and remember not to let it slide again.

I am my own worst enemy. I know this.

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