Day 94

Not alot to report today.

No drama, no tears.

I've spent most of the day watching TV with a brief interlude to visit the horses and walk the dogs.

Saw my neighbour, fully clothed this time. He asked how I was in myself and I was ok. I didn't cry I was absolutely fine.  On my return with the dogs I did some work to the front of the house before my afternoon viewing commenced. I didn't care if the other neighbours saw or asked me anything. Nobody did.

A "Save the Date" card arrived yesterday.  My former work colleague and friend is getting married next year. I didn't panic. I'm happy for her and I'm going to go...alone. I have until September next year to lose 10 stone in weight. While I've been thinking about how to do it I have worked my way through half a french stick, a big bag of crisps and a big plate of pasta followed by the extra I made for tomorrows lunch!

Day 93

Surprise surprise nobody came to help me with the water leak.

It was a farce on the telephone to the insurance people. They offered me a hotel for the night...lush thank you very much. Unfortunately don't think I'd have found anywhere that would take my 3 rowdy dogs.

So I've ended up making a formal complaint this morning. The lady I complained to also needs complaining about but I'll shelf that for now until I get really cross again and need to take it out on someone.

I did text him last night to let him know. He replied with a reminder about an emergency policy he'd bought to cover such incidents. Not the reply I was hoping for. I actually don't want him to be slightly helpful, I want him to be inconvenienced and guilt ridden.

So now I have to wait all day for this company to turn up. My poor horses must think I've abandoned them. I got up really early and did think of doing a stealth mission to the neighbours garden tap which I can see from my kitchen window. However I managed to mop the floor of the overnight gifts my old dogs left me with the remaining contents of my kettle and 2 small bottles of water from the fridge. The 3rd bottle went for tooth brushing and I have a 4th in reserve for my OCD hand washing. The dogs have a cm of water in their bowl.

In daylight I can see 2 big water marks on the ceiling and the wallpaper which is textured has a very strange smooth bit..as though the texture bit has been washed away. It could be worse but its just more hassle for me to deal with alone.

Alone alone alone. It's making me upset as I write this. I really was feeling so much better about things. Why do I have to be put back in my place and reminded that things are not ok. I am not ok.

On top of it all I can't stop thinking about washing my hands. I might have to carry out a daylight robbery from the neighbours tap. Or I suppose I could just ask!

Day 92

It never rains but it pours. Kick a girl while she's down.

I'm sure there are loads of other proverbs I could use in my current situation.

Have had the usual boring day at work, rush home to see to dogs and get up to stables to sort my horses out before dark. Step through the door, turned round to lock it and see a huge bubble in the wall. It is soaking wet. Seriously, are you kidding me? The wall is soaking wet, there's a wet patch in the ceiling and there's water dripping at some speed through the smoke detector onto my new flooring.

I could have cried. I mean WTF! 2 years I've lived here and nothing has gone wrong and the minute he's gone one car breaks down, the other needs to go the garage and there's water coming through the ceiling. It just doesn't seem fair. Is someone playing a really nasty joke on me?

I don't believe in God but someone is testing me. This is beyond ridiculous.

I work in insurance, I arranged the policy. Could I find the paperwork? Could I remember my password to get on the system to get a phone number? Of course not. I had to knock on my neighbours door to ask where the stopcock was in the house. He was literally wearing a towel and some shaving gel so there is silver lining...

I eventually found a number and made the call and now have to sit around waiting for someone to ring me. I absolutely guarantee nobody will ring. I will be without water all weekend. Tomorrow I will probably fall in the mud or a big pile of horse shit and won't be able to have a shower.

I'm thinking of texting him to tell him the boiler is leaking and water is coming through ceiling, ask him what time he'll be round to fix it, seeing as he seems to think he has such a claim to the place!

It's so bloody unfair. I must have been a real bitch in my past life to deserve this!

Day 91

And so it begins. The battle for the house and it's equity.

After 2 failed attempts to come to an agreement where he does not get 50% of my home, tonight I have sent a final offer failing which I will be seeking legal advice. He will be angry, won't accept it, and it will come down to an arrangement between Solicitors which will cost a fortune and use up all of any equity there may be in the house.

How has it come to this? The man I was going to spend my life with has become my arch enemy, the villain in my very low budget movie. I just hope he sees sense and it doesn't come to a legal fight as it will be all the more painful and I will harbour even more ill will towards him, which is not healthy for me and even more dangerous for him!!

I wish I had reacted differently on Day 1. When he was crying and telling me to scream at him or hit him I was uncharacteristically calm. I  went upstairs and got dressed, came back down and commenced my enquiries. Literally like I was at work in a meeting or interview. What I should have done is gone out to the shed with my bare arse on show, got a hammer and smashed the shit out of his ridiculous 55" HD 3D Smart TV followed by a trip out the front to the garage and a good go with the hammer on his motorbike. That is what I should have done. Acted like the highly strung argumentative fiery woman that I am in every other circumstance in my life, instead of the powerless victim that I let myself become that day.

It shames me that I begged him to stay. He told me he'd been having sex with another woman and I begged. How very sad and degrading.

I can feel myself getting hotter and hotter as I write this. I remember I have switched the heating on tonight. I am wound up and hot but the house is like sauna!

Time to calm down... and cool down.

Day 90

The numbers are creeping up. Day 90! Wow.

It's been uneventful. I dug out my ipod last night as decided I am now able to listen to music. I am no longer in mourning. I chose the wrong album apparently as I cried most of my 45 minute drive to work this morning.  Had a blast listening to old Madonna songs on the way home though! It felt good.

I realised today that I missed my nieces, ex nieces, birthday at the weekend. I'm not sure what the protocol is. I was Auntie in all incoming and outgoing birthday and christmas cards. I guess I'm now just Sarah? I text my (ex) sister in law to apologise for missing it, to explain it wasn't intentional. She didn't mind, asked how I was, if I'd heard from him etc. We exchanged a few messages back and forth and I was very relieved that she didn't give me any info on him. I really don't want to know!

This evening I had notification that someone on a dating site has messaged me. I had a look, no harm. Nice message about how he's honest, 2 kids, he's the same age as me, seems ok. Until the last bit where he admits he has suffered with Herpes and feels he needs to be honest and up front about it. Oh my god.

Is this what I have to look forwards to?

Day 90

I feel a bit unsettled today. I'm not sad or upset, just a little on edge. I guess it's to do with the house. It's not going to be long before it's for sale and the next stage of distress begins.

Tonight was the first night I had to walk the dogs in the absolute pitch black by myself, alone on Dartmoor. I wasn't scared but I felt really lonely. It was just another reminder. I got a bit teary.

I resent him so much. I hope wherever he is that he is unhappy. That seems very childish to see in writing but its true. I'm nothing if not honest.  Things have been popping into my head..things we talked about doing, things we did do, places we've been. It's all just so cruel and unfair. I hope he is really unhappy and alone. I hope grab a granny has realised that he is immature and boring and was a means to get her out of whatever shitty life she had. I hope he knows what a complete moron he is and that I despise him.

I've been watching First Dates on TV. I thought it would make me sad but I love it. It is scary though that there are so many young attractive single people. What chance does someone like me stand!

He is out there, I know he is. But he doesn't know where I live, how will he find me? Maybe I'll find him first.

Day 89

Early start today as had to see to my horses before work.  Me and the dogs set off in the pitch black at 6am. I would normally be a bit scared as it's a bit creepy at the stables in the dark but I was wearing my big girl pants and quite enjoyed it.

A dreary unchallenging day at work followed by another trip to the stables this evening.  As usual I stop off afterwards to walk the dogs and it's usually just about dark by the time I get to a good spot.  Tonight I parked up and got the dogs out of the car. They went mental. There was a body on the ground. It moved. It was doing something very strange. The dogs were furious.

It was a barefoot lady in flowery leggings and a white puffa jacket doing yoga at dusk on Dartmoor in 7degrees C. I guess it takes all sorts. I laughed out loud. My 17 year old toothless terriers wanted to kill. It really cheered me up. By the time we got back to the car she had turned into a glowing white torso waving around on the floor. It was really very strange.

It would have been nice to have somebody with me to share the joke but I managed to laugh anyway. God help any clowns that try and jump out at us. That seems to be the latest weirdness being reported on the news. People dressed as clowns wandering around scaring people. I say bring it on. After the initial shock it would be a pretty good excuse to beat the crap out of somebody.

Had a conversation with my parents tonight about my intentions to sell the house and how to go about splitting things with the unfaithful one. I feel a bit happier after speaking to them. There is a temptation to just give him what he wants to get it over and done with but I would regret it in the long run. I change my mind from one day to the next, so up and down.  My parents will look out for me to make sure I don't lose out for the sake of a less painful and hassle free transaction. I just want it over with but I really need to look out for number one.

4 months ago my life was so different. I could never imagine I would be preparing to do battle over money or looking for an affordable dump to live in by myself.  Life seems very cruel. I'm really trying to see the positives. A new start, my own person, my own decisions. But it's scary and still feels very recent and very sudden. I came across a few photos of him on my phone earlier. I thought I had deleted them all but the dogs were in them and I don't like to delete doggy pictures. I feel superstitious about it.  I felt nothing when I saw him.  I guess that is a good thing?