Day 86

I had had a really good day. 

I was smiling, happy, had something to look forwards to. My best friend from school who I haven't sent for around 15 years messaged me this morning telling me to buy a concert ticket and go with her to see Bros. We were huge Bros fans when we were teenagers. Used to bunk of school ALL THE TIME, get on a train and go and hang around outside Luke Goss' house or go up to their studio n London. We were about 14! Anyway they're doing a concert in London and she asked me to go. I instantly said no, couldn't possibly, too far away, too many dogs, too many horses. All the usual excuses. Plus I've not seen her for years and frankly I don't go anywhere! Then I thought sod it! So I bought a ticket, it's not even with her so I'll be by myself in arena with thousands of other people. I was so excited and so proud to actually do something unexpected and random. Plus I have 10 months to psych myself up to actually go!

Then I get home and get shitty text from someone at the stables. Nothing wrong, or really even a big dealt, but its just knocked me back down again. I don't know why people think that they can walk over me.  That their wants or needs are more significant than mine and should take priority. I'm so sick of feeling second rate, that I don't fit in. It may well be all in my head but that doesn't make it any better.

Sometimes I really wish I could just tell so many people what I think of them. Your kid is ugly and annoying, you've got brown stained gap teeth, you're a stuck up cow, you are really not very clever, you bore me.  That would not really do me any favours in the popularity stakes.

I really try to be a decent person. I am honest and always bend over backwards to help. I just don't suffer fools and why should I? I don't know why these things make me unlikeable to the general population! Away from work I do not have one single proper friend. I am 41 years old... that is really sad. I am a nice person, it just seems nobody else knows.

Its Friday night. I'm at home alone, cold because I don't want to put the heating on because I've spent all my money on a concert ticket. And I've just realised I've got Gardeners World on the TV.

And tomorrow is Saturday! Not feeling very optimistic about tomorrows mood!

Day 85

Another successful day.

I had a meeting at work with a lady I've not seen for a while. She always asks after my animals and home life and I knew today would be no different. She asked me how my horses were and that was it. I think she was testing the water to see if it was safe as some time later she said she was sorry to hear etc. I didn't even flinch. I was so proud of myself. I didn't feel I needed to give any explanation about him cheating, I dealt with it like a grown up!

My company are having a website  redesign with staff bios. I had the proof version to check over today and they've airbrushed out the ring I wore on my wedding ring finger in place of my engagement ring. It's brilliant. I had made the suggestion as a joke but was genuinely surprised to see it gone. It didn't upset me, it made me laugh.

The car has been in the garage and although was expensive and I can't afford it, it seems to be fixed and is a huge relief.

All in all a good day. I know this is the calm before the storm. That I can't possibly be ok and over it. But for now I am feeling ok and I will take that, thank you very much!

Day 84

This evening I feel a little sad.

Not about him. He can sod off!

I would really like a friend. An actual flesh and blood person that I can call for a chat, meet for coffee, talk about stuff. If I'm not at work I am alone. The dogs don't count. 

Tonight I feel lonely but I'd much rather be here alone than be here watching that pig sitting in front of the tv in his pants with his stupid face glued to his phone. "Looking on EBay". Grabagranny.com more like.

Bastard.

Day 83

Another good day today.

Went for lunch with my friend from work and another friend I'd not seen for ages. Had to give the whole story. All the nitty gritty from Day 1. I had nervous butterflies and got a bit shaky while telling her, but I didn't cry. That is huge. I was really quite proud of myself. It's a massive milestone.

A friend I have met online is having a tough time. Not the same situation but Suddenly Single and very down. I've been giving him advice and words of encouragement, the way people did for me . It's funny how those people were right but I couldn't see it. I'm now passing my experiences on to someone else. I feel very bad for him. People are so very cruel. I am worried about him and keep thinking of the 5 self inflicted scars on my arm. I am reluctant to tell him what I did as I am so ashamed but I don't want him to do anything to hurt himself. I hope he will be ok.

Yesterday it was 12 weeks since he told me out of the blue that he didn't love me and was leaving me. That it was all my fault.

Tomorrow it will be 12 weeks since he told me about the affair. That he did love me and didn't want to leave. That he'd made a mistake, that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he wanted me and our life together.

12 weeks since I allowed him to stay. Since I asked for time to process it and try to deal with it.

Frankly, what a fucking mug!

Stupid desperate actions of an insecure idiot. I know that now. How could he take advantage of me like that? I think he realised his mistake, didn't want to move in with grab a granny, panicked and ran back to me. I wish I had been strong enough to react the way I always thought I would. I have no doubt he was expecting me to go mad and throw him out which would have been easier for him. He must have been as shocked as me!

Unlikely!

Day 82

No drama
No tears
No stress
Barely a thought spared for the lying cheating piece of dirt on the bottom of my shoe.

Day 81

I keep going over things in my head. Things that we've done or places we've been in the last year. Trying to remember if there were any any signs that I missed.

It's very confusing. He's not the brightest, I don't know how I didnt know. We tried out new sofas. We talked about new cars.  We did some decorating. All normal stuff. Why was he doing those things knowing what he was doing elsewhere? How could he? How did he keep a straight face and not have a breakdown with the stress?

These are the questions that now bother me. I don't care about the actual goings on any more. Ins and outs for want of a better phrase! It is the lies he told me. How he must have laughed behind my back.

For my 40th last year he booked a surprise trip to Paris. I didn't react well. I hate surprises. People doing things behind my back. Even if it is for a good reason. I hate hidden camera tv shows, people being pranked. Films where people are double crossed. Anything that involves deceit and making people look stupid. He knew that. And when I didnt like the "surprise" he was surprised.

So to do the most disgusting thing of all behind my back..he must have known how I would feel. Is that why we bought stuff for the garden together? A stupid hanging basket. Some fence panels. Insignificant stuff that he used to cover up the secret life.

I am so angry with him. I havent seen or spoken to him other than by text in what must be more than 2 months now. I havent screamed and shouted at him. I haven't got any answers. I don't know if I really want them. I just want to be hypnotised to remove the questions from my mind. When we went to the beach that time was he thinking of her? Was he feeling guilty?  When he went out to collect a takeaway instead if having it delivered was he phoning her? Why didn't I notice? He was no different that's why. The disgusting filthy pig excuse for a man thought only of himself and therefore had no shame or guilt and that's why I didn't notice. I'm even questioning Christmas presents from last year. Why? I need to stop.

If I'm honest hand on heart, apart from the absolute terror of not knowing where I'm going to live or what will happen to me and my animals, I'm happier without him.  I am lonely. I get upset. But it's not because of him. It's because of the situation, and I think its really important that I can recognise that.  I don't need him. I thought he was my soul mate. My true love,  made just for me. I was wrong. My soul mate wouldn't have done that. He's still out there and I hope one day I will meet him.

Day 80

Another big number, feels like another milestone. 80 days!

Its also Saturday. Didn't start too great. I woke with a headache and a tight chest. Dog was whining and wouldn't let me lay in. The late nights are taking a toll but I just can't sleep early like I used to.

Luckily the house is tidy still so a quick vacuum and mop is all that's needed for todays estate agent. It went ok. Valued differently from either of the other two so
is anybodys guess!

Spoke to my mum on the phone. Ended up getting upset when she asked me to decide exactly what it is that I want to do and find a way to do it. What I want most is to be able to keep my 2 horses.  I'm very upset just typing this. The thought of losing one of them, Percy, is too much.

Its such an expensive hobby. Why couldnt I have chosen card making or knitting!

We talked some more about how to approach him again about equity split. He isnt entitled to 50%. He put in zero when I put in £20,000 so my equity is alot more than he is. He won't understand...must be careful not to call him stupid. It's going to end up with solicitors which I was hoping to avoid purely for financial reasons.

I feel drained. It will be weeks now before an agreement is reached. Before I know it it will be Christmas and I'll be stuck in the house unable to go to works do and nobody will be buying houses. Then it will 2017. The year will start crap when I hoped it would be a fresh start.

It's all so negative. I'm so negative. I need to shake it off.