Day 337

Tears at work today.

I feel like I have no control. The mortgage company are insisting they need a letter from him saying, what feels like, he gives permission for me to keep the mortgage and buy a house.

The tears came while on the phone to them from my desk at work. It's so unfair that I'm still dealing with this all these months later.

So I had to send another fucking polite request that he do this thing for me all the while feeling like a total and utter loser. I can't even keep secret that I'm buying a house. He gets to know everything.

This evening he's replied telling me to either forge his signature or he'll try and print and send a letter tomorrow.

I feel such a dick. For a moment I felt bad about doubting he would sign it. What is wrong with me. He lied and cheated and abandoned me and I went through hell and yet I still have twinges? I just saw a TV advert for a new film at the cinema...again a split second thought if I should ask if he wants to go with me. What the hell? I don't even like him. I despise him. He's the last person I want to spend time with.

So now I feel unsettled and upset. I've not been to check my horses. I decided to try and pack some things but can't find the parcel tape to put the boxes together. So I'm sat on my arse, upset, doing absolutely nothing.