Day 353

I feel a bit rubbish today. I've got the Friday feeling - dread of spending the weekend alone. Nobody to talk to. Loads to do, all by myself.

I haven't been to see my horses since yesterday morning. I feel bad. I feel lazy.

Gavin hasn't sent me half the money for the skip like he said he would. Perhaps he's too poor after buying his ridiculous car. Today more post arrived for him.  Fuck it I opened it, he should change the address if it's confidential. It was a statement from Currys for the £3000 worth of electrical goods he's been buying from them on credit the past few months. What a loser.

He's supposedly coming on Sunday to clear out his stuff. I've text to ask him what time and guess what...no reply. Nearly a year later and nothing's changed. I was worried I would be sad on Sunday as it will be the last time I will ever see him. But actually bring it on. Enoughs enough.

My boss emailed me today to offer his services as a removal man. His son offered. My work husband offered. It's nice to know that there are kind genuine men still. It's just shit that I've never been in a relationship with one. Or maybe they were but I turned them rotten? I think it's just down to poor choices on my part. Story of my life.

This evening I emptied a kitchen cupboard of cups and mugs. Why do I have so many? I have my favourites which are the only ones I use. I have no friends therefore no visitors. Yet I wrapped them all in newspaper and put in a box to be transported to my next kitchen. I'm going to leave out one cup, one glass, one plate etc. Wow that might be the saddest thing ever.

Day 352

He turned up today to collect some stuff out of the garage.

Result, I thought I'd have some room to get in there and start clearing the rest out.

No.

He took a couple of bin bags of his clothes that I'd bagged up a few months ago and a box with some motorbike bits in it.

I have no other words.

Day 351

Dog wee all down me
Migraine
Rain
Wet knickers
Text contact with Gavin
Skip delivered

Day 350

I text him this morning to remind him he's meant to be collecting his belongings this weekend.

Apparently he made a mistake and he means the following weekend. Why am I surprised? I messaged him back to say that I have plans because he said he was coming this weekend and turning up on the anniversary of his little announcement is unacceptable.

No reply.

I'm so fucking sick of him.

The dogs are driving me insane. The old boy and his whining are killing me. I can't do anything without him being under my feet and if I try to go upstairs he cries like a puppy. Its all getting to me and I feel so wound up I could really lash out at the poor dog. He's crying now. I want to kick him in the face.

What I really want is to kick Gavin in the head.

I've spent the evening chatting online with my old school friend that I'm meant to be going to the concert with. Its been fun. Lots of memories of when I was up to no good. When life was easy.

But back to reality..and that bloody dog!

Day 349

It's almost 2 weeks until its been one whole year since D-day. Day 1. The day the world ended.

Only it didn't end. It just got really really bad for a while. But I'm almost through the other side. If I could talk to the me from Day 1, what would I say? Nothing probably as it would fall on deaf ears. My life was over and I couldn't hear or consider anything else. It's sad that someone who, with hindsight, is of so little worth managed to make such an enormous impact on my sanity to the point that I considered ending it all. If it hadn't been for my animals and the care I had to give them I dread to think what state I woukd have been in in those early days.

But I survived. I feel a bit stupid saying that seeing as it was "only" infidelity and there are people in the world going through much worse. But it was terrible and it was happening to me.

So I'm nearly at the end of the ordeal. I put a couple of things in a box this evening. I'll put a couple more in tomorrow. And I have a skip coming later this week so if all else fails I'll bin it all!

Day 348

Another bore fest.

When am I going to start packing my house up? Any minute now I'll get a moving date and I'm going to have a major panic!

Hopefully the arsehole is coming to collect his crap next weekend which will give me more room to sort things out.

I'm being so lazy!

Day 347

My back has gone.

Woop dee bloody doo!

I spent a few hours with the horses this morning and the rest of the day happily doing sod all. I've not spoken to another human being. And today I'm ok with that.

Oh and I put the Xbox and some games in a cardboard box. That constitutes packing!

Day 346

Fed up feeling fed up.

I got my mojo back for a little while but its noticeably absent lately.  I messaged my ex sister in law today to let her know I was unfriending on FB and my reasons why. I'm glad I did it. We weren't close but I feel better for being polite. She replied to say she totally understands. She didn't have to so I'm grateful she was also polite but it says it all really when she didn't ask my plans or how I am. But its done and its a relief.

This evening a totally unrelated but shitty remark I received had me in tears. I feel really lonely at the moment. To think people are getting ready to go out for the night or sitting down to family dinner, and there's me in a field, alone, crying out loud. I know it's a blip and a week of back ache isnt helping but I feel rubbish. I don't know why I take things so personally. The slightest thing makes me feel inferior. Nobody else I know seems to be treated like crap by certain people, is it just that they don't notice? Or am I paranoid?

I'm a grumpy bitch. But I'm kind and trustworthy and would always try and help out if I could. I genuinely feel that people don't see that in me though. It sucks.

The signed paperwork turned up at least, although he had to sign two documents and the signature on each is totally different to the other. What a weirdo.

Day 345

Up early with the horses this  morning. My back was bad again and I cried with the pain while carting containers of water around. Not the best start to the day.

I had to text him again to check he's now posted the paperwork. Yawn, what a bore. I hate that he probably wishes I'd stop nagging. I hate that after almost a year apart I am still having to nag him as he's a useless immature twat. Supposedly it's been posted so apart from collecting his shit, that should be it.

I keep seeing Jaguar cars like the one he's bought himself. It's making me angry. Who does he think he is? He's got the low spec version of my managing directors car for gods sake. He's not a company owner or a sales executive, he's a short fat telecoms engineer. A nobody. What a nob he must look ridiculous climbing out of it in his baseball cap and Nikes. Chav!

I'm also feeling angry that he still hasn't asked about my movements. How can he not care? Or be curious at least? I cannot comprehend the mind of a cheat.

I'm tired and aching and have no interest in packing or tidying. The house is a bomb site, I hope to god my buyers don't want another look before its all finalised.

And I have no money. Pay day is Monday and it feels a long way away!

Day 344

So the promise of signing and posting the final house paperwork to me today was a load of shit.

I text him at lunchtime to ask him if he'd done it. No reply.

I text him as I left work. This time he did reply that he'd signed it and would be posting shortly. Great. So not in today's post. By the time I get it and send it back it wil be next week. What an absolute cock.

I still haven't unfriended his sister. I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

On a positive note I got my pay slip today and although not paid for a couple of days it's exciting to see my payrise !

Day 343

Things are starting to move.

I had confirmation of my mortgage offer this morning. I got away with not having to show my bank statements. Result!

I also received the contract of sale for signature. Hopefully it will be the last thing I'll have to ask him to sign. He's "not around" so I've had to email it him to sign and post back to me. He says he'll be collecting his things the weekend after next. Then that will be it. I've been wanting it for so long but actually the idea that he now comes to collect his shit and then we go our separate ways forever is bringing tears to my eyes.

I will need to be here to make sure he takes what he's meant to but I don't want to do the whole goodbye thing. I will hide indoors and just let him go. Why is it making me upset?

I loved him very much. And I thought he did me. It was a whirlwind beginning that turned into a normal boring relationship bickering about money and putting the bins out, but it was enough. For me anyway.

I still haven't cut ties with his sister. I don't know why I'm hesitating. We've not been in contact for months. I need to just do it.

Day 342

Bad bad back ache today.

I had to text my boss to ask for an emergency days holiday from work. I couldn't get out of bed, genuinely.  Thankfully the dogs behaved while I was trapped and didn't stress me out further.  I also messaged the owner of the stables to ask her to see to my horses today, for a fee of course.

I finally managed to get downstairs midday to find only 3 Ibuprofen in the house. That and a box of prescription codeine of Gavins that went out of date a year ago. I binned it. I was in too much pain and couldn't face attempting car/shops so distracted myself from the pain by eating everything in the house.

I now have stomach ache as well.

And its too bloody hot.

Day 341

What a glorious day. It's been blue skies and high temperatures all day.

And I've hated it.

I woke up too hot with a back ache and a migraine. It was too hot for the dogs. Too hot for the horses. I spent the afternoon stuck, literally, to my leather sofa with the curtains shut. I managed a siesta for a couple of hours until the dogs woke me. This did not improve my back ache which is killing. Pain killers aren't touching it and my headache is coming back.

And I've had to text the arsehole to remind him to send something to the solicitors tomorrow. God I can't wait to be shot of him. The immature twat.  It's fathers day today. I hope he feels miserable that his dad isn't around. His sister has put a fathers day post on FB and there have been some comments and I know one is from him as I can't see it because I blocked him.

I need to message her to explain I can't be FB friends with her anymore. I want her to block me so I cannot snoop. I just haven't got round to doing it yet. She won't mind, probably won't care, but it feels a big deal for me. One less connection, erasing myself from their lives when it should feel I'm erasing them from mine.

I still haven't sorted out the loft or packed anything. I hope my back ache goes soon.

Day 340

It's too hot.
I'm too tired.
The house is in total disarray.
I've just moved the mess from one room to another.
I'll worry about it tomorrow.

Day 339

Since my last diary entry I've gone through a whole range of emotions.

Rage, confusion, hurt, jealousy, more rage.

Facebook kindly showed me last night that he has a new facebook page. I looked at it. I shouldn't have. I didn't really know it was him as he hasn't had a page in his own name before. He conducted his affair via my second account that I used to use for anonymous advertising etc. But I was curious so I clicked on it and see that it was him but the only friends I was able to see were his sisters, who I'm also friends with.

That's fine, he can have his facebook page. I give no fucks.

There's only one post. A photo of a car, and it has one comment. I can't help myself. I read it. And fuck me if it isn't the old trout I suspected of being the other woman months ago. All the comment said was "nice car xx". And that was enough to dredge it all up. How the fuck dare she be in a place in her life where she feels its acceptable to be posting comments on his facebook. What kind of disgusting moral lacking piece of shit is he that he would make a new facebook account and add the married dog he was shagging as a friend?

I saw red. I was boiling hot and having palpitations. I wanted to drive to his house and murder him. And her if she was there, or I'd stop at her place after. Then I actually paid attention to the photo and it is seems he's gone and bought himself a fucking Jaguar XF which will probably be about £20,000. I'm driving a £350 wreck after he helped drive my old car into the ground. I was livid. I messaged a social media friend, spoke on the phone to my work friend on maternity leave for an hour. Went to bed and I'm ashamed to say internet and facebook stalked them until at least 2am.

I'd done it all before, when I first came across this woman around 6 months ago. I stalked her, her children, husband, business, its shameful.

The thing is I don't really care. He could come knocking on my door begging me and I'd 100% tell him to fuck off. What is enraging me is that he's carrying on as though nothing has happened, like he's not guilty of a heinous crime. She's brazenly facebooking him. They should be miserable and unhappy and riddled with guilt. That is what is really fucking me off.

I've just looked at some past diary entries to see if I can find when I first thought it was her. I skimmed through days 150 to 180. Wow. It was hard reading. The pain I was in, the death of my Ronnie dog, the phone calls from him and messages about how he missed me, Christmas.

What a horrible horrible person he is.

To have come through that and be relatively sane is an achievemen and makes me realise that I am a million times better than him or his 80's mousse/scrunch perm job grab a granny.  I was jealous of his car, him being happy but I have alot more than him.

I have my values. I am getting my self respect back, I have my animals. He abandoned them, hasn't looked out for them at all. Just relinquished any responsibility and ran away like the disgusting loser that he is.

I am better than him. I am happier without him.

I still need might key that car though.

Day 338

No tears today.

Out of the office on a training course and a client visit. I felt rough and car sick and got home early afternoon all pale and shaky. I forgot I hadn't had anything to eat since the night before so the 2 coffees I'd had at training didn't really help. I've been off coffee for months and months as I was getting bad headaches. A 20 minute power nap and some toast sorted me out. Now I just feel exhausted.

Some more post arrived for him today. It was from the council. I opened it...of course by mistake. It was from the NHS about his medical condition. Which means he still hasnt changed doctors surgery and he must be visiting the old one every few weeks to collect his medication. Apart from suffering from cuntitis he also has a medical condition. The surgery is 2 minutes from my house. What a tosser.

He text me to say he has sent back the papers to the solicitor and mortgage company. I hope I was making drama out of nothing and it actually turns up.

I'm so tired of it all. If my buyer pulled out now I don't think I could go through it all again.

Day 337

Tears at work today.

I feel like I have no control. The mortgage company are insisting they need a letter from him saying, what feels like, he gives permission for me to keep the mortgage and buy a house.

The tears came while on the phone to them from my desk at work. It's so unfair that I'm still dealing with this all these months later.

So I had to send another fucking polite request that he do this thing for me all the while feeling like a total and utter loser. I can't even keep secret that I'm buying a house. He gets to know everything.

This evening he's replied telling me to either forge his signature or he'll try and print and send a letter tomorrow.

I feel such a dick. For a moment I felt bad about doubting he would sign it. What is wrong with me. He lied and cheated and abandoned me and I went through hell and yet I still have twinges? I just saw a TV advert for a new film at the cinema...again a split second thought if I should ask if he wants to go with me. What the hell? I don't even like him. I despise him. He's the last person I want to spend time with.

So now I feel unsettled and upset. I've not been to check my horses. I decided to try and pack some things but can't find the parcel tape to put the boxes together. So I'm sat on my arse, upset, doing absolutely nothing.

Day 336

It's never going to be a great day when it starts with an email from your solicitor saying your ex hasn't sent them something he told you he had over 2 weeks ago.

In a rage I punched in a huge long text about how its one month away from being a year to the day since he told me about the affair, how he's taking the piss, avoiding any hassle or inconvenience and playing with my future by jeopardising the house sale. I threw in a few fucks for good measure. Then I deleted it all and sent him the usual polite message he doesn't deserve.

Then I get home from work to a letter from my mortgage company asking for signed consent from him to allow me to continue the mortgage on my new house.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Hell no. It's nothing to do with him. The house is sold, therein lies his involvement.
No way in hell I want that piece of shit to know I'm buying somewhere. I cannot believe they've asked such a ridiculous thing. I rang them almost in tears, explained I have a signed agreement from him that he has no money coming from the house therefore is fuck all to do with him. I've sent a copy of the agreement in to them but this could be a problem. How can it be right that he has to give permission for me to buy a house. Something is really not right there.
If needs be I'll tell them I'm a battered wife and afraid for my safety if he finds out. Whatever it takes.

Day 335

I woke up to chaos this morning. The house looks even more of a state with stuff everywhere today.

It was irritating me so I text the cock-sucker to ask when hes collecting his stuff and suggested this weekend might be a good time. Arghgh it makes me so angry just thinking about him. One month tomorrow and its a year to the day that he told me he'd been having an affair with a married woman. A grandmother. One whole fucking year that I've had to live surrounded by his belongings and he has the nerve to text me back to say he can't come this weekend but he'll let me know when he's coming. Has he got no shame? Stupid question, of course not. I'm really trying not to get too wound up by it but I really want to smash the shit out of all his crap.  Followed by smashing the shit out if his stupid face.

Deep breath, not long to go now

Day 334

Empty loft.
Stuff everywhere.
Mess.
Chaos.

And sooo many pairs of shoes.

Day 333

After all the moaning a couple of days ago, my homebuyers survey arrived by email today.

There might be an issue, it's non standard construction which the bloody estate agents might have mentioned. I'm hoping my mortgage company don't decline the loan. It would be just my luck!

Tomorrow my parents are coming over. My stepdad is going to help me bring everything down from the loft so I can have sort out. I'm dreading it. I've no idea what state Gavin left the loft in. He went up there last August rummaging for some jewellery of his dead dad's. Anyone who's been with me since then will remember he pretty much accused me of stealing it. Tosser. Anyhow, as I can't venture past the first rung to look, it could be in total disarray. I'm hoping it won't be too hard to do. Once I've got it all down and sorted I can tell him to collect his stuff once and for all.

I've been binge watching TV. A new series of a programme we watched religiously is out. We used to do a stupid dance to the opening music, which I was reminded of as soon as it started. I didn't care, I did the dance for my dogs and felt just fine about it. They just ignored me and didn't join in.

Day 332

I cant believe it's been almost a year.

I was sitting at the table this evening eating my dinner when it suddenly dawned on me that I was eating dinner alone. I do it every night, tonight was no different, but it made me pause and I felt overwhelmed with sadness. I'm tearing up writing this. It's stupid, I know that.

I feel like this is it. Me, alone for the rest of my life. I have absolutely no interest in meeting anyone else. I can't bear the thought of it. So why does it make me sad? I'm so busy trying to manage work and dogs and horses, yet my life feels really empty.

I'm worrying about moving house. How will I manage the logistics. I'll have removal men but who will stay behind to clean the house while I rush to collect the keys for the new one? I don't know how to do it by myself. I'm also getting a bit worked up at being alone in the new house for the first time. It should be exciting but I predict tears. They're flowing fast now so who knows what state I'll get myself in on moving day.  People manage, millions of people. I've been through worse than moving house, but my home is my safe place and it will all be so unfamiliar. I don't even know where the local shops are.

I hope I shrug these feelings off, I feel stupid that that I'm still being affected because of that arseholes actions. 

And I'm still getting post here for him.

Day 331

Bloody Solicitors.

They emailed me a load of paperwork to fill in a few weeks ago. I filled it in, got the tosser to sign it, scanned it and emailed all back with a matter of days. That was 15 days ago. Today I get an email telling me they're waiting to receive it all. Errr..no, apparently they need the original copies posting. This is fine, makes perfect sense, but why couldn't they tell me 2 weeks ago. So I'm now behind. Its infuriating.

I instructed and paid for a surveyor on Monday. Today, Thursday, I get a letter in the post telling me I have to sign a form before they can do my survey. Why couldnt they email it to me on Monday, I could have posted it back to them for Tuesday. I feel like I'm the only reaponsible and reliable person in this arrangement yet it's me that's forking out!

And I've had to forge the arseholes signature today on another legal document. I text him to ask if he was around to sign it or if I should just do it. He was obviously so relieved not to have to put himself out that6text back in seconds telling me to sign it. I hope to god a handwriting expect doesn't open the post at the solicitors office!

Election day today. Thank god. I'm sick if it all and hope in a couple of days there will be no more talk of it. I went on my way back from the stables this morning so was first in at 7am.

I got home after to FB memories showing pictures of him from couple years ago. It irritated me initially but actually I don't really care anymore.

Day 330

Yawn. Another borefest. Nothing to see here..move along.

Day 329

Another boring uneventful day.

This evening I thought I'd try and tackle my nemesis... the loft!

I found some sensible footwear, tucked my phone into my bra (incase I'm scared and can't get back down) and figured out how to get the ladder down.  I took 2 steps up it....then proceeded to fold it back up and shut the hatch. There's not a hope in hell of me going into the loft. For one I'm not sure I'd get through the hatch. Secondly I would no way be able to get back down again. The ladders too flimsy and I'm a wimp.

Not sure what I'm going to do but it needs emptying. I'll just watch a bit of telly while I think about it.

Day 328

Not long to go until the big 365.

Not sure how I feel about it. I don't think I feel anything really but it has to be significant.

I would have preferred to be out of the house a year on but it seems he won't even have collected his belongings. I want to cal him a cunt and tell him to fuck off but I have to play nice so he signs the house sale contract. I can't wait to be rid of him.

Not long to go hopefully.

Day 327

I feel good today. Positive.

And really uplifted by concert on TV

#OneLoveManchester

Day 326

4.30am dog crying
6am dog still crying
7am finally get out of bed
3 wheelbarrows of horse poo collected from the fields
1 bad back
1 big blister
Supermarket shopping
More dog whining and crying
TV

What better way to spend a Saturday 😒

Day 325

Great day today, I'm buzzing.

I got a payrise. The payrise I was dreaming of and never thought I'd get. I can't believe it.  It's not huge money by many standards but for a small independent provincial company it's wonderful. I feel so relieved, and so valued.

I was gobsmacked and got a bit emotional. The managing director also welled up as he knew what it meant to me. Money will still be tight when I move but this will help me so much.

I'm celebrating by giving myself a night off from the horses and I've ordered the first chinese takeaway I've had since the bastard disappeared off the face of the earth.

Dare I say it...things are looking up.

I've survived the broken car disaster. My new little banger got me to work and back with no problems so hopefully it will survive a little while if I look after it. I'm buying a bigger house than I live in now. And it's all mine....well the banks, but mine in theory. I'm feeling optimistic. 

I have the horrendous house packing to deal with. I messaged Gavin yesterday to ask about him collecting his things. He asked if I had a moving date yet...as if that's relevant. Is he expecting to collect his shit on the day we complete on the sale? No doubt he wants to leave it here for as long as possible as the 10 months it been so far aren't long enough for him.

Wanker.

Day 324

A long day today.

Work
Horses
Dogs
New (old) car
Home at 9pm
Dinner at 9.30pm

Chat with boss tomorrow about my salary. Bit nervous as could be make or break.

Too tired.