This day last year we went to a local horse show. Took the dogs, watched some classes, knew some people. I expect the whole time I was thinking it was enjoyable he was wishing he was with grab a granny. I dont really feel anything about it now other than irritation.
I was going to go solo today..well with my trusty hounds, but the weather has been appalling.
I've spent the day on the sofa, eating.
Just a normal weekend!
My viewings seemed to go well, I'm really hoping I get an offer next week.
Now that the house is clean and tidy and I've rearranged the furniture it looks really good. It makes me sad to think about leaving, I feel safe here. Even if I received the worst news of my life so far while I was here. I'm sure I'll eventually love wherever I end up..it's just scary. I don't really like change. I like continuity, security.
But needs must. Fingers crossed I get an offer.
If feel better today after last nights self pity session. I slept like the dead so that helped.
Tomorrow I have two viewings at the house and a new estate agent coming to take photos. Tonight my neighbour has parked his lime green transit van outside my house and no doubt gone out on the piss and unlikely to be up to move it in time. Great.
But not all is bad. I've had leftover pizza and 2 Cadburys Creme Eggs for dinner.
The exhaustion continues today. I slept badly last night so when my alarm went off at 4.30 this morning I felt like I'd been up all night.
Things didn't improve when I managed to snap the wire in my bra and it was on the verge of slicing me open. I spent the day with a load of toilet roll shoved in my bra to protect my skin which was less than ideal.
I'm back to feeling lonely again. Maybe I should go back over my past entries to see if there's a pattern to the lonely feelings coming on. I know it's mostly down to being so tired, but I cried on my drive home from work tonight. I don't get any phone calls, the only texts I get are from Dominos. I miss having someone to call in my lunch break. Rain or shine I would go out to ring him at lunchtime just for a chat to see how he was and where he was working. All those times he didn't answer and I now know what he was doing. Horrible bastard.
It's bank holiday weekend again and I've tagged an extra days holiday onto the end of it. Because I'm so tired. 4 days of solitude are not going to help my state of mind though.
I feel such a total loser. My life is pretty much over. This is it. It would be years before I would consider dating again and that would put me firmly on my way to 50. I'm in a mess emotionally and financially and it won't ever get any better, financially wise anyway. How did this happen to me?
And seeing as they text me I've obliged and ordered a massive Dominos takeaway that I can't afford.
I'm absolutely knackered today. I've done two trips to the horses, before and after work, and I think I've got a speeding ticket.
Too tired to think. Quick dinner and bed.
I have a second viewing! Hurray. A first time buyer that viewed at the weekend wants to come back again on Saturday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. Especially as I looked online to check properties in my price range and there is nothing suitable. This could be a disaster! But one step at a time.
More post arrived for him. I'm so sick of it. I've just been putting it in the bin but today I put a load back in the post box with "not this address" scrawled across them. Hopefully some of it was important and he'll get in the shit.
I can't believe it's been almost 10 months. What a motherfucker. I hope he's miserable.
I woke up this morning with a bruise on my hand and a scratch on my face. I was obviously fighting someone in my sleep. I hope I kicked the crap out of them and not just myself!
I've sacked my estate agent today. Well, given my 2 weeks notice anyway. True to form I received no reply although it could be down to the sarcastic request that they remove the sale board "as swiftly as it was installed". The bloody thing went up within 2 days of me saying I didn't want one so it better be gone by the weekend. Mainly as I have my new agents coming to take photos. If it's still here I'll take it down myself...might put it in the middle of the high street so they get told off and are inconvenienced! Or more likely I'll just put in my garage...all talk as usual.
So I had a new estate age round today to give me another valuation and her take on the situation. She was really nice, really honest with me, knows the area well.
A good fit. Unfortunately she thinks my house is overpriced and should be marketed for £5k less. It's already been reduced so that would be £10k less than my original sale price and the basis on which I made all my future planning.
I cried.
Not proper out loud crying but tears sprung and wouldn't stop and I had to apologise. I was so embarassed. It hasn't happened to me for ages and was a real shock. It took me by surprise.
I also had 3 viewings with the original agents. I don't hold out much hope and I asked for my house key back.
I am going to appoint the new agent. I need to tidy the garden and do some weeding. I don't want to. I've put a message on FB to see if I can pay someone 50p to do it for me. Again don't hold out much hope.
I also decided I should move the living room furniture round as the way I have it is perhaps not how anyone else would and may make it hard for blinkered people to see where furniture could go. But I am one person. How can I move furniture? I text my mum who lives about 20 miles away. She suggested my neighbour. Too awkward.
Fuck it I won't be beaten.
I've moved it all by myself. I dont know if the TV or internet is working yet as there were 50 cables, leads and plugs to undo. But I managed. Lifted it all, dragged it, pushed it. I'm quite proud of myself although now I don't really like where the furniture is but buggered if I'm moving it all back again!
Friday at last. I can sleep in past 4.30 tomorrow. Except my dog doesnt know it's the weekend and will still cry to get up.
Tomorrow I have another estate agent coming round to have a look which means the house needs cleaning. I tried to tidy the garden tonight but it's a losing battle. There are so many weeds which is infuriating as I paid a gardener to clear it all last year as I expected to be putting the house on the market straight away. 6 months later I have no money to pay a gardener and no interest in doing it myself.
I also have viewings booked tomorrow. I had a call from the agents this afternoon and was convinced it was going to be a cancellation but it was another booking. So 3 viewings in total tomorrow. Maybe one of them will be the one. You hear stories of people trying for ages to have children and as soon as they decide on IVF they fall pregnant naturally. Hopefully the same applies to estate agents. I'm about to change because they're shit so maybe I'll get an offer. Highly unlikely given my luck but fingers crossed anyway.
Last night I discovered the Netflix account, "our" account, had expired and not been renewed. I was so angry. How dare he take something else from me.
Within 20 minutes I was back up and running with my own account and it turns out it was no big deal. It feels good to have my own account. I've never lived alone before, apart from briefly after a previous break up, so bills have always been shared. Now I have broadband and Netflix and its all mine. It sounds stupid but it's another wrung on the independence ladder.
The early mornings will be coming to an end soon. Maybe another month. As soon as its warmer overnight my horses can be out in their field 24/7 and I won't have to get up at 4.30 every morning. I cannot wait. I am so tired but also so proud of myself. This has been the hardest winter I've had with the animals and I've done it it mostly by myself with a little help from my stable mate. Will I manage it again next winter? I really don't know.
For now I'm just looking forwards to some sleep.
It's such a high number now. 281. Not far from a year. He could have virtually had a baby in the time its been, yet its all still fresh for me really.
Not painfully fresh, as in I'm crying or depressed all the time again. Fresh as in I'm still living it. Because of the house and money worries etc. Whereas he's been removed from it for such a long time
Bastard. Fucking Bastard.
Today's drama mostly involves shit. Dog shit. My deranged old dog walking his poo all over the living room. Not something I wish to remember so thats all for today.
After a long weekend and a break from my routine, the 4.30 alarm this morning has done me in. I don't know how I managed to drive to/from work as I could barely keep my eyes open.
Dinner and bed.
Made it to lunch with my parents. I enjoyed it and it was nice to have some human company. I wasn't upset although I did think of him while wondering around the pub grounds and laughing at the funny chickens and ducks that live there. We used to laugh together. I thought..fuck you your loss.
I thought I was clever this afternoon and painted over the grubby patches on the wall in my hall way and up the stairs. Now its dried a totally different colour and looks even worse than before.
Back to normality tomorrow and a 4.30 alarm.
Last summer a pair of pigeons made a nest in the bushes between mine and my neighbours gardens. I could see them right outside my bedroom window.
When I was dealing with the break up I'm embarassd to say the sight of the pigeons upset me. A pair of dirty bastard birds were making a family together and I was all alone, couldn't keep hold of the worthless prick who'd cheated on me. That kind of thing. I am ashamed to admit I was jealous of a pigeon and disgusted that his actions brought out such bizarre feelings and mentality in me. Pigeons. Seriously!
I mention this because they're back today, flapping around in the garden. I assume it's the same ones. I don't know. I'm going to try and be happy for them and not envious of their relationship 😏
Its Easter Sunday. I'm alone as usual, dogs don't count as they're crashed out. I have no Easter Eggs, my fault for eating the ones I had too early.
I'm bored.
I've finished painting and waxing the bath panel. It looks a mess. I've painted some concrete steps in the garden. They look a mess also.
Lunch with parents tomorrow.
Another boring day spent in front of the TV.
Did another coat of paint on the bath panel and it still looks shite. I've got paint all over the crappy floor too which I didn't really care about until the estate agents called this afternoon to book two viewings for next weekend. Bloody hell. Now I've got a ballsed up paint job and a shit bathroom floor.
Oh well, back to the TV.
Boring day spent all alone. I did pop to the shop for provisions so I did see some humans.
It's been ok actually. 7 or 8 months ago the solitude was killing me. I hated the weekends, I couldn't stand feeling so isolated and alone. I don't really mind nowadays even though I moan about it.
I decided to paint the wooden bath panel in my house this afternoon. As if this will solve the lack of interest in my house! It was one of those jobs I wished I'd never started. 4 coats later and it looks a mess. Which means more tomorrow.
On a positive note, I'm meeting my parents for pub lunch on Monday.
Easter weekend. 4 days off work!
Time to spend with my partner...ahh right, no.
Time to go out with my friends....errr.
Time to go for pub lunches and afternoon drinks in the sun...ummm.
4 days of being alone with my dogs and my tv while people all around me are doing these things. My life is just passing me by.
I'm becoming a hermit. I go to the stables, I walk the dogs, go to the supermarket and go to work. That's it. I don't do anything or go anywhere else. My mum text today to ask if I wanted to meet for lunch at the pub that was our favourite place to go. I don't want to. That means having to put going out clothes on. I would have to brush my hair. I would have to leave the house. I'm on a slippery slope, isolating myself too much.
I can't help it. I feel safe at home. It's upsetting me typing this.
Good day today.
No dog poo drama, no salary crisis. I didn't even get upset for more 30 seconds when Adele came in the radio.
Progress
I didn't sleep too well after last night's ranting and upset over my salary.
I was in a foul mood this morning. I got into work before anyone else, as usual, even though I have a 20 mile drive and most are in walking distance. I had a real chip on my shoulder and a scowl on my face. It's nobody's fault but my own. I accepted the job even though I didn't want it. I didn't negotiate salary, I havent asked for a raise. It's all down to me.
By this afternoon all was back to normal and I managed to shelve my feelings for now.
My mood dropped when I got home tonight to the most his awful doggy diarrhea I have ever faced. I was retching as I cleaned it up. I've mopped 3 times with different flavoured disinfectants but I swear I can still smell it. Poor old Alfie was covered in shit so he's had a bath in the sink and I've warmed him up with my hairdryer. Please God let it be a one off and not a daily occurrence!
💩💩💩💩
I have a huge dilemma. I've been in tears. I wish I'd never seen it.
I've discovered what a colleagues salary is.
I am team leader. The head of my small department. The most experienced person in the entire organisation. I have so much responsibility and daily pressure. My role has evolved, I did not have any of this when I joined 4 years ago.
A part time member of my team is on the same salary as me. She is younger than me, less experienced than me. Comes into the office 2 days a week with no pressure and just talks about her children then swans off without a care in the world because I'll do all her shit when she's not there. There is no justification on this planet for us to be on equal salaries.
I am offended, upset, disappointed and really bloody angry.
What do I do? I need to ask for a payrise but it needs to be significant. I'm not meant to know what my colleague earns. I don't want to know. I've never asked for a payrise..ever. I feel so uncomfortable. Talking about money is awful but I'm not doing it for fun. But if it backfired and my job is in jeopardy then I'm fucked. My financial situation is so dire. I really need more money.
I'm so upset. Why the hell does shit keep happening to me?
I feel surprisingly upbeat today. Not sure why, I'm usually exhausted come Friday night. Perhaps the few days of being miserable this week has got it out of my system. I didn't even leave work on time as I had to sort out a crisis but even half an hour in the office alone after everyone had left hasn't dampened my spirits.
I received a wedding invite in todays post. I knew it was coming and I'm so honoured to be invited as I've not seen her for a couple of years and never met her fiance. It's the wedding in London that was on my New Years to do list. I'm 99% sure I won't be able to go. A hotel will cost £200 plus there's the train fair. And as for my dogs, what on earth would I do with them? I'm really disappointed as I just feel it's another negative I'm allowing him to be the cause of. Perhaps I'll explain my situation and make a last minute decision and that I'll take a packed lunch if I go so they dont have to include me in their numbers? Seems a bit sad and pathetic but not sure what other options I have at this point.
Tomorrow I'm going to do some painting in the bathroom and try and research some other estate agents as I am released from my contract at the end if this month . I feel a new agent, new photos, new start may be just the ticket.
Another morning. Another migraine.
Self inflicted this time as I've not been going to bed early enough the last few nights. I struggled through work but perked up late afternoon.
I cried as soon as I got home. Exhaustion. Stress. As soon as I park outside my house I can hear my dogs barking. It's so stressful and must seriously piss the neighbours off. Then the old boy is just whining all the time for no reason. I can't go upstairs for 5 minutes without him crying. I feel suffocated and close to the edge.
So I shout at the dogs. Then I feel guilty. I have a photo of them as my screensaver at work. Everyday I torture myself seeing little Ronnies face. I miss him. I'm terrified of losing the next one. I'm also terrified I'm going to strangle him.
I've been clearing out photos from my phone onto a hard drive where I've found all the photos from the 7 years I spent with my lying cheating ex fiance. I feel nothing looking at them other than disgust. What a waste.
My eyes are fighting me to close but its still daylight and I feel bad putting the dogs to bed so early. I really need a break from my life.
Wow 100 days until its been a year. That seems unreal. My life is so different now.
The 4.30 alarm call is wearing thin. Not much longer to go until the horses are turned out 24/7 for summer so I won't have to get up with the bin men!
I've had no patience with anyone today. I feel really itchy and unsettled. Not sure what thats about. I actually do have funny skin at the moment, probably need something from the doctors but true to form I'm ignoring it.
9pm and I really need to go to bed.
Good day today.
The weather has been amazing. I took the dogs to my favourite place on the moor for a walk. The view in the sunshine was beautiful and I was annoyed I didn't take my phone to get a photo. We met other dogs and it was all good, no dramas. Good pooches!
This afternoon I tackled the twats wardrobe. I thought I would feel satisfaction from finally bagging up all his clothes but it actually made me really angry. I was furious and got sweaty and my heart was pounding. No tears though. I chucked 5 bin bags of his stuff into the garage where I also came across a piece of his motorbike..it looked like a wheel arch or whatever the motorbike version of one is. It's now in the wheelie bin which did give me enormous satisfaction.
I also checked the post box and lo and behold..more stuff arrived for him yesterday. Now also in the bin.
Bastard.
Long boring depressing Saturday.
I cancelled the house viewing I was meant to go to. I've stopped the email notifications of houses coming up for sale. I feel quite down about the whole thing.
And despite spending £100 at the supermarket last week I have nothing nice to eat which is even more depressing.
