Day 323

Bit of a mad rush this morning to try and secure the house I viewed yesterday, but I wasn't successful. I'm not too disappointed as although it was gorgeous I do still like my original house very much.

So my mortgage application has gone in and hopefully I get the green light in a couple of days.

This evening I've bought a new car for the sum of £300. I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt and not judge a car by its value. Hopefully I won't regret it and it'll be a nice cheap stop gap to get me out if a situation until I can come up with a better plan. Of course being single billy no mates I've had to leave the car where it is and will organise a taxi to take me collect in a couple of days.

I hope I can put this drama behind me now and try and look forwards to moving. Although I have a couple of horrible obstacles

1) Contacting Gavin so he can collect his stuff

2) Packing. I have an unbelievable amount of stuff and I'm lazy.

It's got to be done though. But not today.

Day 322

My car breaking down has really set me back mentally.

Instead of enjoying the bank holiday like most of the population,  I was in my house, alone, crying. I feel really alone again and just typing this has made me cry again. I feel like an outcast. A pariah. I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends. I am eternally alone.

Why am I trying to buy a house with so many bedrooms? So my imaginary friends can stay over after the imaginary parties and get togethers all my imaginary friends love so much.

I dont even have anyone to give me a lift to look at a cheap car to buy, other than my parents who must be sick to death of me. I noticed at lunch with them at the weekend that my mum has a nice screensaver on her phone. A photo of her and my sister. Reminded me of the Christmas a couple of years ago when we all came downstairs and my mum gushed at my sister about how lovely she looked, and there was me in the corner, invisible. I don't even fit in with my own fucking family.

The only person that got me, my wing man, was the cheating motherfucker that's caused all of this shit for me. I must have been so awful in another life to have that prick be the only person thats made me feel special. What a cruel joke to play on me.

So.....all of that was written last night. Having read it again it's made me cry. I've decided to leave it in today's entry as although I look pathetic and jealous and needy, it's the truth. Most of the time I rise above it but its always there, underneath. I know you're supposed to make your own luck and success but its so hard when you feel inferior for no reason.

My car is being towed again. This time to a local garage so they can look at it. I know its going to be expensive and I can't pay for it but at least its gone from the front of my house.  My parents have very kindly offered to loan me their enormous car until I come up with a solution. So I will have wheels to get to work and the horses but the petrol will cost a fortune. Hopefully I wont have an accident in it as there won't be any damage cover on my insurance.

Good news is that the survey was done on my house this morning and seemed to go well.

.....writing in instalments today. My car is dead. It will cost over £1000 to repair. Even if I had the money it's not worth fixing it. Disaster. A scrap yard has offered me £50. It's got a full tank of diesel worth £60 in it let alone the CD changer and alloys etc. It's just shit.

Just to confuse me even more I went to see one last house this afternoon. Took my parents with me as they were around helping me with the car anyway. Bloody hell I offered the asking price there and then. The owner is "thinking about it". What's to think about? Full asking price!! I need an answer before 11am tomorrow as I have my mortage appointment and don't want to cancel it as I have taken precious time off work. 

Ffs how do I end up with no cars and 2 houses! And I'm now embarrassed by the earlier self pity party!

Day 321

Shitbag of a day.

I went to my horses early this morning so I could get home and spend the day being lazy. I was nervous about driving the car after last night but had no choice.

I crept along all the way there. I managed to get up to 30 mph but had to change into first gear at one point to get up a slight hill. I spent a couple of hours bathing the horses. I got so wet I had to take my top off and got back in the car for the drive home just wearing my  sweatshirt and wet trousers.

I knew something was seriously up the moment I pulled onto the main road. The noise was getting loud, and I totally lost power. I went down to 10mph with my foot flat to the floor and my heart sinking even lower. I had a huge queue of traffic behind me, it was awful. I got about 2 miles max when I decided my nerves couldnt take anymore and there was an opportune bus stop for me to pull into. The exhaust was smoking and I was shitting myself. I had to get out to check the car wasn't on fire.

Thank god for breakdown cover.

After not so discretely changing back into my wet top on the side of the road, an hour later they arrived. The mechanic started the car and it started to smoke under the bonnet, so he put the car on the truck and took us all home. The poor dogs had to ride in the boot of the car while it was in the truck but they didn't seem to notice.

So now I'm carless. I have no spare money for repair or replacement. I'm having to look online to see if there's a cheaper house I can buy just so that I can afford to get my car repaired. I'm heartbroken and feeling like I did last summer. Alone, desperate and scared.

All because of a bloody car.

I have the day off work tomorrow so the surveyor can come to my house. My parents are going to loan me their second car short term but its a 3 litre 4wd and will cost me an absolute fortune to get to work in. I'm going to attempt to get my car to a local garage when my parents are here to escort me. I'm praying it's something minor that I can fix for now while I come up with a plan.

Finally selling my house. Finding a house I love. I knew it was all too good to be true.

Day 320

Out for lunch with the family again today. Lovely food, cuddles with my niece. But I was sure glad to get home. Out 2 days in a row is a big deal for me, I'm worn out.

And venturing up the motorway on a couple of journeys has proved too much for my poor car. Its lost all power and I don't feel safe driving it. This is a disaster. I don't have the money to repair or replace it and I am totally screwed without a car. I am worried and don't know what to do. I have just got a credit card for emergencies but was not planning on putting anything on it before I move house. Not sure a few thousand on a credit card is going to help my mortgage application.

Will someone please just come and steal it. Or smash in to me tomorrow, when I don't have the dogs in the car. A right off would be perfect and an injury claim even better.

Day 319

I just typed out a big post about house viewings, visiting family, lunch out, sunburn and my little senile dog annoying then fuck out of me with his constant crying from 4.30am until I go to bed.

He cried one too many times and I just launched my phone and lost my post. My nerves are frayed, I'm in the verge of suffocating my dog so I can get some peace. I cannot cope. I have no life. I cannot do anything because of the bloody dogs. I am trapped in my house or I have to cart them around with me everywhere. There is no escape. Today I cannot deal with it.

Day 318

Yay Friday.

3 days alone with an extra and day and half tagged on at the end. Yay 4 and a half days alone .

Actually it's not all bad, I have 2 house viewings lined up tomorrow. I'm just making sure AND hedging my bets. My sister and niece are visiting and it's my mums birthday on Sunday so out for lunch.

I might start thinking about venturing into the loft to have a sort out. But then again I might not.

Day 317

This is really happening.  The people buying my house are having a survey done on Tuesday. I've been worrying they'll pull out but this means they are definitely serious. I hope to God they still are when they get the report!

Today I joined a FB group for the area I'm moving to. I posted asking for advice on do's and dont's and what the area was like for single ladies etc. Had loads of responses, lots of single ladies wanting to be friends. It was nice. It feels like a community and although I'm not a people person this is my opportunity to reinvent myself. Get out there. Try and make some friends. Unfortunately the local news on TV did a report tonight on a housing authority sending complaint letters to all residents in one street about anti-social behaviour..of course its where I'm moving to. Not my street..but still! But I could have that wherever I end up so I'm trying not to be a snob.

I noticed tonight that the dent from wearing my engagement ring for 7 years has disappeared. I don't know when, I hadn't noticed it before. When I first took it off last summer I felt like everybody, strangers included, were looking at my hand without a ring on my finger. It was a horrible feeling made worse by the dent it left behind. A visual reminder that I wasn't good enough for him anymore. Well its gone now and as it turns out he's not good enough for me.