Day 79

No drama today.

Another boring day at work. Tomorrow is Saturday...I have an estate agent coming to give another valuation.

Hopefully that will keep me occupied although won't be particularly pleasant.

Must not cry must not cry must not cry

Day 78

I dreamt about him last night. He told me he loved me and we were going to work things out. It's left me feeling a little unsettled today.

Its because I was furious with him last night. He has replied to my message, finally, and after some bickering back and forth he has told me he wants 50% of the proceeds of the house sale. This is after he told me 2 weeks ago he isnt giving me any money towards repairs, carpet etc. and he hasn't lifted a finger. I saw red so have told him he can have 50% but he needs to reimburse me now and he can take over organising the sale and cleaning the house etc as I'm not doing it if he wants an equal share after he cheated on me. He didn't reply.

What I didn't tell him is that I'm going to change the lock on the front door and I'm not going to let him take anything from the house except his clothes and the bloody motorbike. I am livid..but won't tell him until after he's paid me this month!

He has control again. I cannot stand it I just want him gone. I hate him.

I want half. How dare he?

Well I want the last 7 years of my life back. I want a future where I'm able to trust someone. I want you to not have had sex with some whore in a travel lodge.

I don't get what I want so why should he.

Day 77

77...that feels high a number. Only one more than yesterday but feels more significant.

People are getting om with their lives. A "Delivery in time for Christmas" ad has been on TV.  A lovely friend has confided that she's pregnant, my niece is 6 months old. And I'm still single. Still waiting for him to answer an email. Still in limbo. Still in pain.

It's just dragging on. I can't stand it. Soon it will be Christmas. I don't want to wake up alone on Christmas day in our bed in our house.  Just the thought of it and I'm welling up. Perhaps just because I'll be alone and not necessarily because it's him that's not there. I don't know. I don't know if I don't love him anymore. I don't  like the idea that I could have fallen out of love after such a short time. It feels very shallow. I think my feelings of confusion, anger and resentment are overwhelming the original feelings I had for him so I really don't know.

It appears I don't know much.

Day 76

27 September

His 37th Birthday. I haven't sent him any Birthday wishes.

I hope he's had a crap day.

I have spent the whole day thinking about how it's his birthday.  I very much doubt he did the same for me. I bet he didnt know or care that on the morning of my birthday I wanted to die. I don't understand why I even care that it's his birthday. As the song goes, now he's just somebody that I used to know.

At least the age gap between him and grab a granny has lessened.

Day 75

What a surprise another rubbish day.

Long boring tiring. Text first thing to say he's trying to organise someone to collect the death machine. Motor bike! In other words he's not coming round to sort the garage like he said he would. How predictable. I didn't get upset. It didn't really impact my day like a usual early morning message would. Progress?

I have felt a little irritable and on edge all day and I think it's because tomorrow is his birthday. It is so unnatural for me not to tell him Happy Birthday. There's no card or present from the dogs. Something I would always do. I have decided not to acknowledge it's his birthday and I'm not going to send a message. But it's hard. I feel guilty. What is wrong with me!?

I have to get up at 5.30 in the morning to go and do the horses. The weather is awful so I left them in for the night. I'm back to not sleeping much so will be exhausted tomorrow.

No doubt there will be tears.

Of course I didn't get a response to my email or proposals about the house sale. I'll give him his birthday then I'll have to hassle him.

I really hope he feels a fraction of how I felt on my birthday. Unless grab a granny is in the picture he won't even get a card. If she is, well I guess I don't care what he'll be getting. An STD hopefully.

Day 74

Sunday.

Started off like a Saturday. But fed up, went back to bed after seeing to dogs. Emptied a load of stuff out of the garage and filled car no 2 to take to store at my parents. Decided to try get some of my furniture out to take photos to try and sell but the precious motorbike was in the way so I couldn't do what I wanted to. A2ent him a message explaining it was in the way and asking if he had any plabd2 to collect it in the near future or if he could come and organise the garage sobIvcan access things without damaging the bike. When he tried to fob me off I told him not to worry as I'm sure the bike would be repairable. Funny enough he immediately said he'd come round tomorrow and move it!

I fail to understand how he can drop everything for a piece of metal he's never even ridden but cannot find the time to see the dogs or help me with the house. What a loser.

I sent him an email thia afternoon askonf for his written confirmation on aome proposals I'm makinf with regard to equity split etc. He didn't bother to reply to the last one but I will hound him until I get a response. I'm not prepared to market the house without prior agreement on who gets what. I sent it hours ago. No reply. What ia wrong with him?

All all a bit if a meh day. This weekend last year we took one of the horses to a show. It was his birthday. It was nice.

Bastard. It's his birthday on Tuesday. I hope he gets not a single present as me and my parents are usually the only gift givers.

Bastard. Hope he's as miserable on his birthday as I was.

Day 73

Well I did contact him.

Sent him a couple of photos of new carpet last night and he didn't even reply. He is so rude. Somebody has cloned my (ex) boyfriend and implanted a really shit bad mannered personality.

I spent about 5 hours today cleaning and tidying the house. It looks great. It's never looked like this. The estate agent seemed genuinely enthusiastic and valued quite alot more than the last one did. Surprising what a few hours cleaning can accomplish! I was very brave. I didn't cry. It was in the back of my mind...don't cry don't cry don't cry.

The estate agent kept talking about the lovely area and how the house is so convenient and this and that. It was upsetting as I don't want to move. Nevertheless I was brave.

So subject to finalising fees and paperwork it'll be on the market and I'll be on the road to more heartache in the next couple of weeks.

Tomorrow I am taking the second car away to store at my parents. The number of missing vehicles will definitely be noticed. I don't know if the curtain twitchers saw the signwritten estate agents car but I just hope nobody asks me.

I end up telling people he had an affair as I don't want anybody to think the break was my fault as "he is such a nice guy". I want people to know that he is not a nice guy. He is a loser. But telling people is really humiliating and it upsets me. I wish I could just hide...forever.

Please lottery numbers come up!!