Day 177

I've been thinking about him again today.

I haven't been upset. Well, I cried briefly. So I decided I was going to send him a message simply telling him I missed him.
Then I thought it would be better to tell him I missed him as my friend and throw in a few insults. Then I decided I should draft a long email telling him I missed him and that I want to him to give me some answers to some things and for him to get off his chest whatever he was wanting to talk to me about. Then I decided on the original simple I miss you text.

Then I reminded myself he was a lying cheating c*nt that doesn't deserve to have me give him a second thought so thankfully I did none of the above.

Day 176

I feel quite sad today.

Gavin was not only my fiance but he was my best friend. We didn't always get on but he was my person. The one I wanted to tell when there was something good happening or if I had some gossip.  I watched the new Star Wars film recently and I wanted to tell him how good it was. But I can't because he isn't anything to me anymore. I would love to have him as my friend again because it felt so natural even though I know now that was also a lie. I could never be friends with him now though.

I don't miss my fiance but I miss my best friend and for the first time in ages I'm crying as I type.

6 months ago today, a Friday night, we went after work to view a new stable yard to move the horses to. We discussed it after the viewing, about affordability etc. How very confusing for me that the following Monday, just 3 days later, he would tell me he doesn't love me and he's leaving me. That he's secretly rented a place and is moving out on the Thursday. This was 2 days before the world ended.

How he pulled it all off I still have no idea..I was totally clueless and in the dark. What a fool.

No wonder I was mess in those first few months. I have come such a long way emotionally, mentally. But it does still sometimes feel so raw.

I think the 5am start today and lack of crisps is getting me.

Day 175

I've barely thought about him today. Barely...only the odd fleeting urge to email him.

I've had an evening off from the horses. My friend, formerly known as the shitty texter, has seen to them for me tonight. So time for some housework and to cook a proper healthy meal for a change. Yes, time to do all that but instead sofa and a box of chocolates seemed like a better idea and a frozen microwave pizza is queued up when I'm ready.

Days since the crisps ended....3

Day 174

The cat and mouse texting is continuing.

8am this morning he replied to my text of 23 hours earlier. Is he in another dimension? Why is it taking so long to reply? Its just weird and downright rude.

I did briefly consider sending him an email again but thankfully soon came to my senses.

More importantly I have had no crisps for 2 days....

Day 173

Back to reality today. Up at 5.20 to go
do the horses. Temperature in the car read minus 6. A very rude awakening!

At work I had 71 emails but the first I saw was from my Solicitor. She hasn't received the signed paperwork from him still. Supposedly it was sent for the 2nd time 2 weeks ago. I just despair.

What the hell is wrong with him? I'm so annoyed that I felt sorry for him last week, that I considered "things". What an idiot I am. So after a really nice break I am truly back to reality and feeling unsettled and pissed off.

I have text him this morning about it...No answer! How long does this have to go on for?

And tonight I get home and there's post for him. He left 5 months ago. Why is there still post? It was a phone bill. Of course like the nosey bitch I am I opened it. Lucky him, he's got himself a new phone. It cost the same amount that I had to pay to have my dog put down.

The bill isnt itemised, thank god, but there are 3 numbers listed as they went over his price plan. For fucks sake..I reverted to the crazed victim, googling the numbers, convinced it was going to lead me to what has really been going on.

Premium Bonds, a Catalogue, a motorbike transporter.

I feel such an idiot. And so pissed off that I'm still having to go through this all this time later. I don't care if he is/isn't with her but being in limbo like this, stuck in this house unable to move on, surrounded by his things,  is making me insane.

I'm considering sending him an email. A version of the one I wanted to send on Day 169, but a little less polite.  But if he doesn't reply or acknowledge AGAIN I think I will go mad.

I don't know what I did in a previous life but it must have been pretty shitty.

Day 172

Uneventful day today.

My good intentions for the new year have yet to be put into practice. I decided rather than going nil by mouth and shocking the system entirely, I'd start by giving up crisps. My worst vice.

I could eat crisps until the cows come home and actually get twitchy if there are none in the house. So this seems a good place to start. It's a little concerning therefore that I popped out for firelighters and despite the ban on crisps, came back with a massive bag of jalapeno party snacks.

Ahem...I'll give up crisps tomorrow.

Day 171. A new year

Hello 2017.

My name is Sarah. I am 41, single and live in Plymouth, Devon in the UK with my 2 dogs. I'm also very lucky to have 2 horses.  I've been looking forwards to meeting you, I really hope we can be friends.

So its a new year and the only person I've spoken to today is the girl at the till in the petrol station. But that's ok, I am happy optimistic 2017 Sarah.

I didn't get a midnight message from the ex. I went to bed early anyway but was both relieved and irritated when I looked at my phone this morning.

One more day then it's back to normality and the tiring horses work dogs daily routine. I've had a really good break and it's been far more enjoyable than I expected.

So on I go into a new year that will never have had him in it and will never have known my Ronnie dog.

Deep breath, shoulders back and off I go.