Day 485

So I'm back. I managed one day not writing my diary and I felt like I'd lost a limb.

For a few months, since I moved house I guess, I've not had much to write as most of the pain and drama is behind me and lets be honest, writing a diary about putting the bins out or mopping the floor isn't really that interesting. So I decided to stop as I felt boring and committing it to paper was embarrassing.

But I've realised that I do still need it. Even if nobody's reading I still need to feel like I've  told somebody about my day.

So today for the first time in ages I cried. Perhaps its the time of year, Christmas is approaching. I don't really give a stuff about Christmas, it's one expensive and inconvenient day that's been so totally commercialised that it's become a bore. Other people on social media seem to be feeling it too, maybe it's rubbed off on me a bit, which makes me wonder if my moaning for the past 400 plus days has had an affect on anybody else? Sorry if so.

So I cried loudly for the duration of my 60 minute drive home from work to my empty house and my daily routine. Nothing changes apart from the unlucky shit that happens. I felt sorry for myself, alone, sad, resentful. Thinking about Gavin again, the stupid fuck. It's not that I'm missing him, it's the gap that I have. The hole thats left behind that I usually keep  hidden and covered over with my boring daily life. But it's always there. Lurking.

I hate that I don't know what he's doing. I want him to be lonely and miserable but he's probably loved up and happy with grab a granny or some other skank he's found. I hate that I even care. Arghg I don't  care really I just....I don't know what I feel.  Stupid mostly for still going on about it such a long time later.  I'm his past yet he's still my present no matter how far I've come since last year.

So one day without my diary and I'm a whimpering wreck crying about the same old crap and the same useless cheating waste of space. It looks like I'm back.