Day 492

I've been absent for a few days. 5 to be precise.

I've been suffering from a horrible cold so took the opportunity to ween myself off from my daily diary and it was ok. Mostly thanks to the distracting snot, sinus pain, ear and tooth ache but abstinence is abstinence!

Having a cold is so depressing. It's so minor...just a cold. I almost feel embarrassed to be knocked for six by one. I had to stay home from work on Friday it was so bad.  The inability to breathe or sleep does not make getting up at 4.30 in the morning and heading out in the cold to the stables that easy to manage. And of course there's nobody at home now that I can rely on to help me if I'm not feeling well. Not that the help I had before was worth much..but it was more than I've got now. 

So on Friday I stayed off work but still had to get to the horses. I set off around 7.30 having had barely any sleep and feeling really rough. It was not the morning to tolerate men in vans beeping their horn at me for no reason. So I lost it. Whilst in a jam on an almost single track lane, with said van almost beside me, I opened my window and let rip. I can't recall the exact sequence of events but I do know there was plenty of fucks, some twats, almost certainly some dickheads, a moron or two. Not sure about the C word but I use it like I do oxygen so it's probable. I recall I ended my rant with a fucking knob face to which the van full of 3 men broke into hysterics. At this point I closed my window and proceeded to mutter to myself with a lot of head shaking. 

Not my proudest moment and I'm very lucky that I didn't get thumped...or worse. Mind you so are they! 

So the weekend was spent freezing out with the horses then resting up at home and feeling sorry for myself. Not all that different to a normal weekend. Except with added snot. Today I was back at work and feeling much better although it's still lingering a bit. 

It's Alfie dogs 17th birthday today and I'm quite proud that I've cared for him so long although at this precise moment he is whining and driving me mad !!

Thoughts of Christmas Day are creeping in. Last year Gavin phoned me in tears me close to midnight and I was really pissed off. This year I know I will be pissed off when he doesn't phone me. Even though I don't want him to. Life is confusing. 

Day 487

I enjoyed yesterday's diary entry so much that it feels a bit naff to write about how tired I am today etc. So I won't write anything.

Other than to say I've had a lovely response to yesterday's facts and that I'm not the only toe counter!

Day 486. 7 Facts about Me.

This diary entry is going to be something different to the norm.

A friend on Twitter tagged me in a challenge to reveal 7 facts about myself. My first thought was that there isn't anything I haven't revealed about myself while writing my diary.  But with a little more thought I realise that all I have written in my diary revolves around me the poor victim of a cheating partner. Tears, drama, moaning, catastrophes and lots and lots of poo. Of the canine and equine variety I should just clarify.

So this entry is going to be about me. The me that isn't ruled by all of the above as all that shit doesn't really define me, at least I don't want to. Before I get started let me introduce myself. My name is Sarah, I'm 42 and I live in Devon. Here are some facts that you will not know about me. I can't promise they're interesting, but they're real.

Here we go.

Birth
Ok don't panic, this is not going to be a 5,000 page autobiography charting my entire life but the beginning seems a good place to, well, begin.  I was born in Queen Charlottes Hospital in London.  Soon after it was discovered that I had a defect and it was determined to be a form of spina bifida. I don't know the actual name of the defect I have as I never bothered to find out. I spent quite a bit of time visiting Great Ormond Street Hospital as a child and one year my annual visit actually turned out to be major surgery on my back. Again not sure exactly what was what but I believe it was something along the lines of untwisting some nerves or some such. I haven't had too many problems since but I do have a "lump" on my lower back just above my bum and it is unsightly and makes me large arse look even larger. I also have a huge scar.

School
You'll miss it when you're older. Best days of your life. We've all heard it. But do we ever listen? Hell no. I rarely went to school. I was a shit. A demon child and nobody was going to tell me what to do. I was extremely clever and that was half of the problem, yet I left school with no qualifications at all. But I had a good time. I was suspended from school twice and then expelled a month or so before the summer holidays. Gee! What punishment. 2 or 3 months off school dossing about. My poor parents. I cringe now thinking about it.

Feet
Nobody likes feet, myself included. Not even my own. They're big and ugly and I won't mention the h word (sounds like fairy). Yet I have this problem with toes. I have to count them. If I see feet I have to count the toes. I try not to look as I know it's weird and I have no idea where I've got it from but there it is. If you show me your feet I will count your toes.

Soy Medio Espanol
If you use Google translate, the way I did, you should see that I am half Spanish. This is because my my mum is from Spain. I have almost no family in the UK but a huge family in Spain that I don't really know. As a child I was a beautiful olive skinned Mediterranean muneca and it was clear that I was a little bit spicy. Nowadays I am mostly grey and barely recognisable as human.

Alcohol
I enjoyed a drink when I was younger. See school above. Anything I could get my hands on. To this day the smell of red wine conjures up the memory of my 16th birthday and the 2 bottles I had drunk and subsequently puked down my shell suit while I lay on the floor of the village car park. As an adult I'm not much of a drinker for various reasons, so this fact is that I have never tried Prosecco, Tequila, Pimms or even had a  G&T.

Gingers
I'm partial to a ginger and I don't mean biscuits, they're rank! Ginger hair. I always fancy the ginger. I had a ginger boyfriend as a teen. I chased him for months and he finally asked me out. After a week or so he was too clingy so I chucked him. Another ginger I was obsessed with turned out to be doing dirty things with his sister. The poor gingers at school always had a hard time but look at them now with their gorgeousness. I have ginger hair envy. Add in blue eyes and freckles and I'm in!

The hippy hippy break
Not so much break but dislocate. Yes people at the ripe old age of 31 I dislocated my hip. I fell off my extremely mahoosive horse and landed on my feet. Twice. The second time my hip said seeya and snuck out the back. Of the joint that is. A nice ride in an ambulance, the max morphine available and a week in hospital later and I was a minor celebrity.  Doctors, nurses and students kept coming to look at the young healthy woman who had managed to dislocate the largest joint in her body. Who knew it was such a rareity! I spent 3 months wearing a brace that meant I couldn't be at 90 degrees and I never jumped my horse again.

So there we have it. 7 facts about me that don't involve the usual mumbling I present. I wish I was clever enough to include links to the other lovely ladies that are also doing this, alas I am not. I've no qualifications don't you know!

Day 485

So I'm back. I managed one day not writing my diary and I felt like I'd lost a limb.

For a few months, since I moved house I guess, I've not had much to write as most of the pain and drama is behind me and lets be honest, writing a diary about putting the bins out or mopping the floor isn't really that interesting. So I decided to stop as I felt boring and committing it to paper was embarrassing.

But I've realised that I do still need it. Even if nobody's reading I still need to feel like I've  told somebody about my day.

So today for the first time in ages I cried. Perhaps its the time of year, Christmas is approaching. I don't really give a stuff about Christmas, it's one expensive and inconvenient day that's been so totally commercialised that it's become a bore. Other people on social media seem to be feeling it too, maybe it's rubbed off on me a bit, which makes me wonder if my moaning for the past 400 plus days has had an affect on anybody else? Sorry if so.

So I cried loudly for the duration of my 60 minute drive home from work to my empty house and my daily routine. Nothing changes apart from the unlucky shit that happens. I felt sorry for myself, alone, sad, resentful. Thinking about Gavin again, the stupid fuck. It's not that I'm missing him, it's the gap that I have. The hole thats left behind that I usually keep  hidden and covered over with my boring daily life. But it's always there. Lurking.

I hate that I don't know what he's doing. I want him to be lonely and miserable but he's probably loved up and happy with grab a granny or some other skank he's found. I hate that I even care. Arghg I don't  care really I just....I don't know what I feel.  Stupid mostly for still going on about it such a long time later.  I'm his past yet he's still my present no matter how far I've come since last year.

So one day without my diary and I'm a whimpering wreck crying about the same old crap and the same useless cheating waste of space. It looks like I'm back.

Day 483

So I've decided to stop my daily diary.

I'm boring. I have nothing to write about. I started this as therapy for myself 21 days after my fiance disappeared off the face of the earth. It worked. I'm ok, mostly, and apart from the shit luck that follows me around, all the drama is done with.

This has been a huge help for me. Reading back some of my earlier entries I don't recognise the pitiful writer, which is bizarre and quite upsetting. This experience has brought me friends and a support system that are always there even though I've never met them, and for that I am so thankful.

I'll still dip in and out and hopefully one day I'll have some nice stuff to write, but for now......

Day 482

So I just typed out a long entry for today and managed to delete it all.

I'm done.

Day 481

I started to write today's entry earlier this  eveninh but I got distracted. Now I'm too tired.

Day 480

Too tired
Car fixed
That is all

Day 479

Tears driving to work and walking from the car park. I barely breathed the whole hours drive but I made it.  I had everything crossed that the garage could fit me in today but no, not til tomorrow.

But I made it home safely and somebody did the horses for me so I didn't have the extra journey. No avoiding it tomorrow though, my alarm is set for 5am.

So early night for me. Not even 9.30 and I'm in bed with my electric blanket. Heaven!

Day 478

I rang a load of garages this morning trying to find one that had a spare courtesy car but there were none. How bloody inconvenient.

I had to phone my boss and rant down the phone at him about how badly damaged my car engine is, that Google says its the crankshaft and pistons and something called blow by, all terminal issues that meant I couldn't go to work.

When the breakdown man turned up to tow me to my chosen courtesy car free garage he had a look under the bonnet, found the oil cap that had blown off and proceeded to inform me that the problem with my car was that it has no oil in it because the oil cap I was sold recently was the wrong one and didn't fit, hence it came off and all the oil came out. How much of a moron did I feel? I was so embarrassed, especially as I'd also ranted at him when he'd arrived about crankshaft and pressure blowing the cap off.

But he was understanding and extraordinarily kind as he said he would go to the scrap yard between jobs and find me the correct part. And he did. He came back this afternoon and refused to take any money. Sadly I took the car out round the block and although it's definitely better it's still not right. Normal service resumes tomorrow so I'll just have to keep everything crossed.

Day 477

I was absolutely dreading driving my car today but I had to at least try to  get to the stables. I left the dogs at home as I fully anticipated breaking down and having my car towed to a closed garage. So much so that I left the house with a note already written to put through the garage letterbox with the key in an envelope.

Thankfully I made it there and back safely although I think the car is now fucked.

So I'm in the same position again. Carless, feeling helpless. But mostly feeling pissed off.

Day 476

I had such a good sleep last night after  getting up early all week.

I spent a lovely morning with the horses and went back again this afternoon via a nice walk with the dogs. On my way back, thankfully nearly home, my car decided to take poorly and we limped home the last mile. I can't believe my bad luck.  Tomorrow I have to go back to the stables to let the horses out and I'm dreading driving. I think that I will break down again. It's never ending.

Tonight I've been bored out of my mind so I've switched on the old lady electric blanket and gone to bed before 10pm. I'm living the dream.

Day 475

This morning I got up at 4.30. It was the easiest morning I've had all week despite being the earliest . I did go to bed extra early last night but its now 9.30 at night and I'm only just feeling a bit tired.

I expect it will catch up with me tomorrow.

This evening with Alfie has been better. He's been less frantic and I've been less tired so that's a relief.

I bought an electric blanket today. I am ashamed. Also disappointed that it's not so cold tonight so I haven't used it. It's a single one for one side of my bed.  Shows how optimistic I am....not!

Day 474

9pm and I've come up to bed in tears just to get away from the dog.

I've had enough, I can't cope. I have no life  and I don't know what to do.

I can't go anywhere, not even upstairs to the loo never mind actually out. I can't get off the sofa to adjust the angle of the TV as that means he's up off the sofa too and I have to pick him up and put him back. But I must sit too. The crying is driving me insane. Tonight he pee'd all over my new floor. I can't go to my works or stables Christmas do. Fuck knows about Christmas day as I cannot take him to my mums and I can't leave him at home. My only option....stay home alone and pretend its not Christmas?

I was worried I was moving to a rough area but its me that's the asbo neighbour. I'm shouting and swearing all the time.

It's too much. I didn't think about the lifespan when I went to get a puppy.  I didn't know it would be nearly 20 years.

If I make the decision now it will be selfish and it would haunt me.  But my quality of life is zero. Shite. I'm a prisoner in my own piss and shit stinking home. I can't even get a good night's sleep. The 4.30am barking was brought forwards to 12.30 last night.

I love him but I hate him. It's very hard and very sad, for both of us.

Day 473

Another early 5am start today. I was almost getting dressed at 3.50am as I  came downstairs to let the barking dog out and hadn't changed the clock on the microwave.

Thankfully I realised and went back to bed for an hour.

So this morning I mucked out 2 horses, walked the dogs, fed them, mopped the kitchen floor, drove 44 miles, went to Tesco for a few things, took my car to the garage and left it there so they could put 2 new tyres on it then headed into work after stopping at the sorting office to collect the post and finally arrived at my desk at about 8.45am.

On paper I am fucking amazing!

Had lovely cuddles with a Beagle  puppy this afternoon which made the day much better.

Tonight I'm knackered. Tomorrow I have 3 horses to do before work but no trip to the garage or Tesco so am aiming for 5am start again.

Off to bed I go.