Lazy day.
A brief visit from my friend, the over paid work colleague, and 2 of her kids. The plumber was late but seems to have fixed the leak. Afternoon nap on the world's uncomfiest sofa. Complete soaking in torrential rain.
Tomorrow...more of the same.
I have a problem with my memory. A serious problem. I need to see a doctor about it. I forget words, forget what I'm doing, find it hard to hold a conversation sometimes.
Today at work it caused a big argument. I have absolutely no recolletion of a conversation I supposedly had at the beginning of the week. I wanted to cry after he shouted at me to sort my brain and my memory out. I've been joking about it for a while but to hear somebody actually say that to me was really upsetting. Because its obviously become noticeable.
I tried to tell my mum about it a few weeks ago, how I thought in all seriousness I had early signs of Alzheimer's. She laughed at me, like it was a joke. I felt pretty dam small.
I really need to talk to a doctor but I just find them so useless and dismissive that it's really off putting.
Tomorrow my friend, the former overpaid work colleague, is driving over to see me. She's bringing 2 of her 3 children. I'm not looking forwards to it. The house is a tip, the dogs aren't child friendly. I have a man coming to look at a leak in the kitchen at the same time. I'm so used to being alone at home, 4 other people will feel suffocating.
God I'm such a miserable cow.
It's his birthday today.
I haven't been tempted to message him. I've barely given him a thought.
It's amazing to me that I can talk about it, about him, without breaking down now. If it comes up in conversation I always wonder if the other person is cringing inside hoping I don't cry. There was a time when it didnt matter who you were or where I was. I was going to cry. Out loud.
But those days are long gone. Sometimes I do fee a little emotional but it's when I think on how I felt rather than him. It's hard to remember the physical pain it caused me at the time let alone mentally. It was a lifetime ago, or so it feels.
So that's 2 birthdays without each other now. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I hope so. I hope he's missed me today. Serves him right.
Urgh work is so dull. I don't know how people say they would get bored being at home all day. I say bring it on. I still want my pay at the end of the month though.
Tonight I had my first dog walk by torch light. Winter is most definitely on the way.
Alfie dog also christened my new floor. By christened I mean pissesd on! Well he was doing it on the rug until I shouted at him and then then he ran a circuit of the room while still weeing. Great! But it is only a floor. He can't help it!
Back to work after a week off is never good.
Luckily I had the thoughts of putting the furniture back into the living room in the evening to keep me going. It was exciting, like having a new toy waiting for me at home.
Unfortunately the fun was taken away when I noticed a flood in the kitchen and discovered a leaking washing machine or dishwasher hose. Fantastic. Every time there's something good there is immediately something bad. I don't have the tools or skills to mess around and risk making it worse so I've turned the water off until I can find somebody to fix it for me. What a pain in the back side.
I've moved the furniture back where it came from but have lost interest in unpacking anything this evening so have left it for another day.
Alfie my elderly dog is driving me to distraction and to the point that I want to smack him one. It's so sad. He can't help it but he is fucking annoying. The constant whining and licking and chewing noises he makes are fraying my nerves. I have to remind myself how I will feel when he's not here and its heartbreaking. I cannot move an inch without him jumping up to follow me. Everywhere. A friend at work lost her dog yesterday. I bet she'd give anything to have him back and here's me thinking about bashing my dogs head in. My chest tightens when I think of how I love him...but it's so hard.
It's one of those times when I wish I'd never started something.
The carpet in my living room was manky. My neighbour lent me a carpet washer but in my frustration in not getting the stupid thing to work I decided to get it ripped out and cheap laminate floor laid instead. I hate laminate flooring. I had a cheap quote of £100 to lay it so off I went to B&Q to pick the floor that would cost me around £200. I left with an order of solid oak flooring costing more like £600. Still a bargain but way more than I wanted to spend considering I could've just asked the neighbour how to use her vacuum and replaced the shampoo for £5.
Fitting day arrives, but the flooring fitter doesn't. I heaved all the furniture out of the living room into the kitchen and sat there for 4 hours until he arrived. Only to be told I had been sold underlay but in fact needed glue. Off I went back to B&Q...the fucking glue is £42!
He worked for a few hours and left me with half a floor and a bad back after I spent all day sitting on a hard dining chair in the kitchen watching Netflix on an IPad with a low battery. Dinner consisted of cold leftover pasta from the fridge as no chance I can use the oven. I could only just reach a fork from the drawer.
I ended up going to bed around 9pm.
Today he was due back at 9.30 -10. He arrived at 10.45. I had of course had a major panic that he'd decided not to come back and had left me with half a floor. But he arrived and off I went to B&Q again. More sodding glue and another pack of oak boards. This is really getting quite expensive now and I'm not feeling the love for my new floor. If it's not a bargain I dont like it.
So here I am. Back at the kitchen table with a numb bum. Claustrophobic with all the boxes and things from the living room. Hungry.
I need to go out and put air in my new cars tyres. One of them is vey flat and knowing my luck punctured. I've had the car since Thursday evening but not driven it yet as the steering wheel was gross. I've disinfected it and scrubbed with bicarbonate. I think I've actually taken the outer layer of the steering wheel off. So I need to buy a cover for it. But I'm trapped in the house. More specifically the kitchen. The dogs are farting and snoring. It is unpleasant.
Back to work tomorrow. I don't feel like I made the most of my week off. Although I have decorated the bathroom, bought a car and had a spontaneous oak floor put down. It's been expensive. Anyone would think I have money. I do not.
It's Gavin's birthday this week. I can't help but wonder what he'll be doing. It's so strange that someone is so much a part of your life and then overnight....they're not. A little like somebody dying I guess. Except with the added feeling of total and utter betrayal and worthlessness thrown in for good measure.
He would like my house. He would have been happy here. He would have liked the sociable neighbours, the view, the dog walks on the door step. Well tough luck fucker. Hope you're miserable under whichever rock you've found to live under.
Hours later and I'm still sitting here. My arse needs to have this chair surgically removed. My back is killing. The sawing and banging noises have subsided so I'm hoping he's nearly finished. Too late for me to get to the shop to buy a steering wheel cover though so I'm sticking to the courtesy car for as long as possible.
The last couple of hours have seen me involve myself in a "discussion" on Twitter. A woman, not as young as I assumed she was, had commented on a dinner date with a married colleague she was in love with. She was wishing he'd leave his wife, they had chemistry, they were just friends. All that crap. Thankfully I missed the original conversation as the aftermath was ridiculous enough. I cannot understand why anybody would risk another persons life just to lust after somebody that isn't available to be lusted after. This sounds very dramatic but I cannot honestly say that I wouldn't have attempted suicide last year if I hadn't had the responsibility of my animals to keep me grounded. The fucking old grab a granny trout having sex with my fiancé could have ended my life. And I've had sex with him more than enough to know that it is definitely not worth a human life. Any life. Nobody knows the consequences of these actions. I doubt Gavin or the slapper wondered if I'd kill myself if I found out. I doubt they considered me at all. Because they're selfish. People who cheat are selfish. As far as I am concerned there is not one single thing that can justify it. Bad relationship? Leave? Unhappy? Leave. It's all about choices and whether a person has a moral compass. Unfortunately in my case he didn't. He obviously wasn't happy and instead of removing himself from the situation he decided to temporarily gratify himself with some married grandmother...hardly a catch. Either of them.
Anyhow..my flooring is down and it does look really good. I can't move any furniture in yet, thanks to the ridiculously expensive glue, so I'm looking at another uncomfortable evening in the kitchen. The extra wood I bought this morning wasn't needed after all so it's actually ended up costing me less than originally planned for. I was going to give the guy extra money as £100 is so cheap, but after he was late again this morning I thought fuck it.
So with my spare cash I'm going to order my 3rd takeaway this week. Well...I don't have a cooker!
