Day 353

I feel a bit rubbish today. I've got the Friday feeling - dread of spending the weekend alone. Nobody to talk to. Loads to do, all by myself.

I haven't been to see my horses since yesterday morning. I feel bad. I feel lazy.

Gavin hasn't sent me half the money for the skip like he said he would. Perhaps he's too poor after buying his ridiculous car. Today more post arrived for him.  Fuck it I opened it, he should change the address if it's confidential. It was a statement from Currys for the £3000 worth of electrical goods he's been buying from them on credit the past few months. What a loser.

He's supposedly coming on Sunday to clear out his stuff. I've text to ask him what time and guess what...no reply. Nearly a year later and nothing's changed. I was worried I would be sad on Sunday as it will be the last time I will ever see him. But actually bring it on. Enoughs enough.

My boss emailed me today to offer his services as a removal man. His son offered. My work husband offered. It's nice to know that there are kind genuine men still. It's just shit that I've never been in a relationship with one. Or maybe they were but I turned them rotten? I think it's just down to poor choices on my part. Story of my life.

This evening I emptied a kitchen cupboard of cups and mugs. Why do I have so many? I have my favourites which are the only ones I use. I have no friends therefore no visitors. Yet I wrapped them all in newspaper and put in a box to be transported to my next kitchen. I'm going to leave out one cup, one glass, one plate etc. Wow that might be the saddest thing ever.

Day 352

He turned up today to collect some stuff out of the garage.

Result, I thought I'd have some room to get in there and start clearing the rest out.

No.

He took a couple of bin bags of his clothes that I'd bagged up a few months ago and a box with some motorbike bits in it.

I have no other words.

Day 351

Dog wee all down me
Migraine
Rain
Wet knickers
Text contact with Gavin
Skip delivered

Day 350

I text him this morning to remind him he's meant to be collecting his belongings this weekend.

Apparently he made a mistake and he means the following weekend. Why am I surprised? I messaged him back to say that I have plans because he said he was coming this weekend and turning up on the anniversary of his little announcement is unacceptable.

No reply.

I'm so fucking sick of him.

The dogs are driving me insane. The old boy and his whining are killing me. I can't do anything without him being under my feet and if I try to go upstairs he cries like a puppy. Its all getting to me and I feel so wound up I could really lash out at the poor dog. He's crying now. I want to kick him in the face.

What I really want is to kick Gavin in the head.

I've spent the evening chatting online with my old school friend that I'm meant to be going to the concert with. Its been fun. Lots of memories of when I was up to no good. When life was easy.

But back to reality..and that bloody dog!

Day 349

It's almost 2 weeks until its been one whole year since D-day. Day 1. The day the world ended.

Only it didn't end. It just got really really bad for a while. But I'm almost through the other side. If I could talk to the me from Day 1, what would I say? Nothing probably as it would fall on deaf ears. My life was over and I couldn't hear or consider anything else. It's sad that someone who, with hindsight, is of so little worth managed to make such an enormous impact on my sanity to the point that I considered ending it all. If it hadn't been for my animals and the care I had to give them I dread to think what state I woukd have been in in those early days.

But I survived. I feel a bit stupid saying that seeing as it was "only" infidelity and there are people in the world going through much worse. But it was terrible and it was happening to me.

So I'm nearly at the end of the ordeal. I put a couple of things in a box this evening. I'll put a couple more in tomorrow. And I have a skip coming later this week so if all else fails I'll bin it all!

Day 348

Another bore fest.

When am I going to start packing my house up? Any minute now I'll get a moving date and I'm going to have a major panic!

Hopefully the arsehole is coming to collect his crap next weekend which will give me more room to sort things out.

I'm being so lazy!

Day 347

My back has gone.

Woop dee bloody doo!

I spent a few hours with the horses this morning and the rest of the day happily doing sod all. I've not spoken to another human being. And today I'm ok with that.

Oh and I put the Xbox and some games in a cardboard box. That constitutes packing!