Day 108

No dramas. An ok day.

Sunshine and lots of TV binge watching.

No random phone calls, no checking my phone for messages. I'm ok.

Nothing to report here, move along.

Day 107

Saturday started predictably. Feeling down.

As soon as I woke up I wanted to check my phone. See if he'd tried to call me again. Is that what he wanted? To get under my skin again? Well he failed. I was a little unsettled but actually I'm ok. I'd still like to know wtf he was thinking. I am sure he was ringing for a nice friendly chat. He probably needed an ego boost and thought I'd be happy to talk to him as we finally have agreement about the house. That that must make him a good person.

There is nothing he could ever do to right the wrong. I cannot believe I was actually giving him a second chance all those weeks ago. Someone asked me today if I would have him back and I can say with all honesty not a chance in hell. And it is mostly down to his behaviour after the fact. When I needed him most he didn't care. There is no possibility that we can ever be friends.

So all in all not a bad day. The sun was shining, my horses were lovely and I've lit the fire and got my favourite TV programmes lined up. What is there not to be happy about?

Day 106

It's been a really stressful day at work.

I cried when I left as I was so tired and felt frazzled.

Last night the dishwasher broke. Another tick in the box for shit things to deal with.

I was so looking forwards to relaxing at the weekend. Catching up on some sleep, spending time with my horses.

Now my head is mashed and my weekend probably ruined. As I was unloading the dogs from the car for a walk tonight I heard my phone ringing and just ignored as had my hands full. When I got back to the car I saw it was him! He had rung me. For the first time in months. Unprompted. I was really annoyed. What the F did he want? I'm too tired to deal with anything new. I msgd him back to ask if he'd rung and he replied, yes he actually replied, saying it doesn't matter. I assumed he'd rung me by mistake and sent a sarcastic reply about pressing my name instead of hers. The first time I'd really had a dig  about anything so assumed he'd be annoyed and that would be that.

But he rang again. Bearing in mind for the past 7 years he has known I will be busy with the horses at that time of night I was really cross and driving through a dodgy signal area on my way home. But I answered, hands free of course officer, and he was like Hiya, you alright? What the hell? Is he messing with me? Like we were mates and he was ringing for a chat. I was so shocked I barked at him. WHAT DO YOU WANT? And then I lost signal. I guess I reminded him what a horrible person I am and now he doesn't want to talk to me.

I am so confused. Yesterday I finally had agreement from him about the house and have a little security back. Today he rings me for a chat? I just want him to go away but apparently I also want him to want me. Of course he doesnt, and I don't want him but now, I feel sad and confused and I hate it. It was the first time I had heard his voice in such a long time. And I barked.

And to make it all worse I've got a mountain of washing up to retrieve from the dishwasher.

Day 105

This shit is real! As if there has been any doubt for at least 2 months!

Today I have been supplying a solicitor with information. Looking back over mortgage applications and emails with estate agents. It's all quite sad really. Not as sad as it could have been, considering the first day in the house wasn't exactly the romantic magical event I might have hoped for. If you've, been following my diary you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, well you should!

I got a bit upset this morning telling my workmate about possible plans for ducking out of Christmas this year. I don't know what to do for the best. I know I will feel ashamed in front of my family...sister and brother in law and step sister and step brother. I will feel upset and I don't want to cry in front of them. I have water leaking from my eyes now. It's involuntary, I have no control.

I have time to decide but it's weighing on my mind. I expect he'll have a lovely Christmas. Either back up North with his family or with the unglamorous granny and her offspring. I would feel betrayed if he spent Christmas with his family which is stupid, they owe me nothing. But he is a piece of shit and doesn't deserve to be treated as anything less. I don't care if he spends it with the slut, she's welcome to him.

Which is why I don't get why the idea of him not being with me is so upsetting. I guess because its change. If the routine was different perhaps it would be easier but knowing every year is exactly the same is hard. Embarassing.

I'm so tired which doesn't help.  I need a break from it all. A nice peaceful stress free time with no thoughts about houses or money or being scared. A long sleep with no bad dreams. A coma would do the trick.

Day 104

We have finally reached agreement about the house.

It means I cannot market the house until after Christmas, but I have some power back and now no reason to have contact with him until I have a buyer for the house. Its the best possible outcome. It's what I wanted. I feel nothing.

Not happiness, not relief, nothing.

I am so exhausted. I was shocked to realise earlier that it is only 3 months today since I have seen him. It feels so much longer. I am worn out. I just want it to be over.

Day 103

I can't even be bothered.

Not heard from him again.

Been scared in the dark.

Blah blah same as every other day.

Day 102

I have never hated you more than I do right now.

I am exhausted and cold and wet. I have been in the pitch black pouring rain entirely alone in a field with two cold wet horses charging at me while you're probably sitting on your big fat lazy arse stuffing yourself with KFC.

I have been walking the dogs in the most vile weather and I was afraid.  Physically scared.

I hate you Gavin. I hope one day you stumble across this blog and read what you've put me through. I hope you read all the things I haven't been able to say to you because I'm afraid you're going to take my dog or my money if I'm not pleasant to you.

I hope you read that I wish I had been single the last 7 years and that I had never met you. Never got myself into the situation where I am now one of those people scarred by infidelity. Like you must have been when your wife did it to you! You piece of shit.

I hate you Gavin. I hate every memory I have of you. They are all tainted. You can take your trip to Paris and shove it up your arse. All the presents and jokes and tears of laughter we used to share are all destroyed. There is only one memory that stands out for me now and that is you trying to blame this on me.

It was you. Your tiny dick and even tinier brain.

I hate you.