Day 262

Another viewing has been cancelled. Will I ever sell this house?

I was so fed up I emptied all of his clothes out of the drawers into bin bags ready to put in the garage. Tomorrow I'll empty the wardrobe. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to take scissors to his clothes yet, probably not, I'm all talk.

I'm booked in to look at a house myself  tomorrow but it's not worth it. Houses in my price range sell straight away and I'm not in a position to get into a bidding war. Who would accept a cheeky offer from me when my own house isn't under offer?

It's so boring and depressing.

Day 261

More post arrived for him today. I haven't opened it, I'm "returning to sender". Seriously, what the hell. I think it's another phone bill. I text him after the last one to tell him to change the address. Ignorant Bastard.

I've decided I need to get some of his shit out of my house. Out of my bedroom! I'm going to bin bag up his clothes and shove them in the garage. His suit and bike leathers are in the wardrobe. I felt bad they might get damp or damaged if I moved them. Am I mad? That fucker cheated on me, I should just put them in the bin, so a couple of bags in the garage are more than he deserves.

It's now been 2 months since the house went up for sale.

Day 260

I dreamt about him last night. I dreamt I was texting him that I missed him. I don't. I miss the person he was, not the person he is.

I cried on my drive to work thinking about it.

I just cannot understand how somebody would throw away their life with somebody, throw away a family that loved them. For sex. Sex with a virtual stranger a few times and some phone calls. Thats it. That it what he destroyed our future for. It's disgusting and pathetic.

When you get together with a new partner sex is amazing. You want to do it all the time. That's normal.

I see alot of comments on social media about peoples thoughts on sex, how its important, how regularly people are having it, lots of different partners. It makes me feel like I'm weird because honestly I'm not that fussed. In the beginning yes of course. Things are passionate and it's a way of expressing yourself. But after a while life gets in the way. You're tired, haven't shaved legs, rather read a book.  People say if you don't have sex with your partner he'll go elsewhere. I always thought that was bollocks. Not my Gav. I'm lucky, he's not fussed, just like me.

How wrong was I!

Bastard.

Day 259

Boo hiss. No second viewing, she was polite and wasting my time (getting my hopes up).

Back to waiting for someone else's decisions to control my life.

I'm absolutely knackered. I could barely keep my eyes open driving to and from work today. 

I must have an early night or I'm going to make myself ill.

Day 258

I feel so disappointed. I really thought I would hear from the estate agents today with some good news, a second viewing to be booked. If it was me I would be on the phone at 9am registering interest in case anybody else got in before me. When I bought the house I made an offer there and then.

My phone rang at 9.30. It was the estate agents. I held my breath. I needn't have bothered. One couple yesterday liked the house but have decided the areas not right...polite for "we don't like it". The girl that seemed so interested couldn't be contacted.

My heart sank.

So I feel deflated. After my early start this morning, the clock in the car shockingly said 03.45 when I got in it as I hadn't put it forwards an hour yet, I just want an early night.

And a cuddle from someone would be really nice. The last hug I had was with my family at Christmas. I'm not really a touchy feely person but some contact that isn't with my animals would be quite healthy.

Day 257

Migraine Sunday.

I think the stress of yesterdays viewings and the backache from all the cleaning took its toll on me overnight.

Its been a beautiful day. After seeing the horses and an expensive post payday trip to the supermarket, I've spent the day on the sofa with the curtains shut hiding from the sunshine and brightness.

Hopefully it will be gone by the morning as my 4.30 alarm clock is actually 3.30 - the clock change is so confusing.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much about last nights viewing. The lady may have just been polite but I really think she liked it. Is it possible that something may go my way for a change?

Day 256

House Viewings....at last.

I had 3 booked in. 2 turned up. 1 seemed to love it.

Watch this space.

Day 253

It's Friday which means I don't have to get up at 4.30 tomorrow morning, although my internal alarm will no doubt wake me up. Failing that my elderly dog.

I'm trying to be optimistic.

I have 3 viewings booked for my house tomorrow. One in the afternoon and 2 tomorrow night that I will have to show round myself. Our of 3 at least one 1 is bound to turn up. I'm hopeful.

So tomorrow brings a day of hoovering, mopping and collection of dog poo from the garden along with continuous buckets of water and disinfectant being chucked over the patio after the dogs go out every 5 minutes. So long as these people turn up I can live with it.

Fingers crossed.

The house I was booked into see has been sold already after a few days. Some people are so lucky.

Day 252

Today at work my colleague rang his wife and they were just chatting about dinner plans, their washing machine, everyday stuff.

I felt jealous.

For the first time in a long time I missed having a person. Someone to call when I'm bored or to just chat with. It mad me feel quite lonely. But I'm not really, I'm ok. It would be nice to have my own person, but I'm doing ok without for now.

It's mothers days this weekend. I guess I won't be getting a card and present from my animals. It will be the first time in 7 years...the ungrateful little shits! I got up at 4.15 this morning. Only 15 minutes  before my alarm was set but the dog was crying so I thought what the hell!

House viewings at the weekend haven't cancelled yet!

Day 251

Another terror attack, this time in London. 3 people died, dozens traumatised.

It doesn't seem appropriate to whine about my problems today.

Day 250

I've got into the routine of getting up at 4.30 to go up to my horses then walk the dogs. Home for 7, feed the dogs, cup of tea and watch Coach Trip on TV before shower and leaving for work at 8am.

Home at 6, feed the dogs, mop the floor, dinner, TV, Social Media, Bed at 9.

I'm loving it.

Its boring as hell, anti-social, exhausting. Come Fridays I'm hanging and in a foul mood, but its so far from the person I was this time 12 months ago that its great. If my ex knew my routine he would be shocked, I've never in my whole life been a morning person.

In the summer my routine will change and I'll have more time for myself but thats not necessarily a good thing. I'm only home for 3 hours in the evening at the moment and I spend most of that time eating! I need to do something about this.

Tomorrow..maybe.

Day 249

My internet and phone are reconnected.

2 viewings booked for the weekend and I'm also looking at a house too.

All is good in the world.

I'm getting so close to Day 365. That feels a big deal. A whole year. Will I stop my diary? Will I be able to? When I started I had so much to get off my chest. Now its just an obsession. A chat with my invisible friend, although the content is very boring nowadays.  But I'll take boring over the other emotions I've experienced since last summer!

Day 248

Groundhog day

Horses, Dogs, TV, Food, Sweets

Day 247

Lovely morning with the horses and dogs. Old boy Alfie got a lift back with my friends daughter and her pony...too cute.

I've spent the entire day watching TV. I'm on episode 9 of a new boxset I started today!

Yesterdays ranting upset is a distant memory.

Day 246

It's safe to say I'm at my wits end.

True to form the people viewing my house cancelled. I've wasted an afternoons holiday from work and I'm really frustrated and upset.  I don't know what to do. Almost 7 weeks and not one single person has stepped through my front door.

I don't understand why nothing is going my way.

My fiance had an affair and left me.
My 3 dogs had fleas.
One of my dogs died.
I've broken down and had to call recovery truck 3 times.
I've had to spend £1000 on repairs to my crap car.
My dishwasher broke.
My tumble dryer door fell off.
My boiler pipes burst and water came through the ceiling.
I get up at 4.30 every morning.
I can't sell my house.

I feel exhausted battered and bruised and can see a downhill spiral looming. All because that filthy horrible bastard cheated on me.

In the meantime he's had a promotion and a payrise and is probably having a lovely carefree life. I fucking hate him.

And I'm sick of crying.

Day 245

More courses and meetings at work today. I've loved it, it's so unlike me!

Loads of cleaning tonight for tomorrow's viewing. Just sat down for an hour before I have to go to bed and get up at 4.30 and do it all again.

And I really don't mind. I am such a different person to who I was 12 months ago.

Day 244

Viewing cancelled on Saturday and rebooked for Friday afternoon which means I have to take the afternoon off work. If they don't turn up I will be so annoyed.

Day 243

I had the most amazing sleep last night. I went to bed at 9pm as usual, got up at 5 to let the dogs out then went back to bed for 2 whole hours before getting up for work. I had a morning off from the horses and it was heaven.

It made such a difference to my day. I had a course to attend this morning and I was with it. I wasn't nodding off or staring into space.

The course was good, really interesting based on Management and Leadership. I am a team leader at work but have no training. I found it really interesting and was disappointed when it ended. I have more sessions scheduled this week and I'm looking forwards to them. Where is Sarah and what have you done with her?

The consultant was so complimentary about me and my value in the company I work for. I am the most experienced person in my entire company and she really highlighted this and although I was embarassed as it was all eyes on me, I was also really proud. It was good, I rarely feel like this. Now if I could just wangle a payrise..

Oh and I have a viewing booked for my house on Saturday!

Day 242

I took the bull by the horns and signed up for a new internet package today. Its ridiculous, I was so anxious. My ex is a telecoms engineer and installs the service I've gone for. I didn't want him to know what I was doing. I didn't want one of his work pals to turn up to install it and report back. I felt stupid.

But now I feel wonderful. Its self installation and I'll be up and running within a week. What a relief.

I've been so used to leaving that sort of stuff to him that it felt like a big deal...ordering my own internet and phone line.

I've come up with an idea for a business. Designed for single ladies. A service where a man comes to your house to put your bins out every week, takes your car and puts petrol in it, pumps up the tyres etc. All the shit jobs that I hate having to do. I reckon a bloke could make a killing. Perhaps male escorts should add these activities to their price lists.

The sale price of my house has been reduced online. The photo of the woodstove I provided has been uploaded...sideways. It looks bloody ridiculous and I'm so annoyed at the lack of fucks given by them.  They are appalling.

Hopefully it works though and I can finally look forwards.

Day 241

It's all been a strange weekend. Quite lonely.  All because I don't have the internet and my usual access to infinite TV. It's quite sad really to feel isolated because of this.

I've done nothing. Moped about bored. Dogs have been annoying, particularly old boy Alfie who is permanently whining and licking and asking to go out. Driving me mad basically.

I've emailed the estate agents some more photos. He didn't even take one of my Aga woodburner...surely this is a feature? Bloody useless. Tomorrow the price gets dropped. I've got everything crossed it works.

Day 240

I'm glad the house viewing didn't happen today.

I spent the morning at the stables and took the dogs for a really long walk.  Came home had a bath, got into my PJs and sat around all day in my filthy stinky house which I didn't have to bother cleaning.

I predict more of the same tomorrow.

Day 239

As I went up to bed last night I glanced at the days post and noticed stuff  addressed to him. Arghgh why? Of course I opened it. Paperwork about the brand new kitchen appliances he's bought. Why the hell is it coming to my house? If he has somewhere to put a sodding freezer and washing machine why can't he take his bloody clothes out of my house.

I was so angry. I immediately text him to tell him to stop post coming to my house. Of course the ignorant bastard hasn't acknowledged or responded. 

When will I be rid of him?

As expected the house viewing for tomorrow has been cancelled. I got a call at 5.30 telling me. I don't for one minute believe it was ever genuine and this makes me feel like I was right. I've already instructed the estate agents to reduce the price after the weekend. I can't believe no viewings in almost 6 weeks. It is soul destroying.

My car went back to the garage today and they've put right the problems and it didn't cost me anything else, I was so relieved as there was every chance I could burst into tears if they told me otherwise.

A friend in London is getting married later this year. It was on my New Years to do list to make sure I go. I looked at hotel prices today..I won't be going. I'm very disappointed. I could find something cheap but it would mean traipsing across London by myself. I'm not used to doing things like that alone. I've been a half for so long that its terrifying to consider doing it by myself. I am resigned to the fact that I can't go and most likely I won't be able to go to the concert at the O2 I booked on the spur of the moment either.

I'm sick of being whiney and moany all the time. I really want to be happy and have a positive outlook. I received a comment yesterday that it's not healthy to be looking back all the time, I should be looking forwards. I want nothing more, but its really bloody hard when I feel trapped in this house, his shit is still here, his post is coming through the door.  I have no money and am constantly feeling resentment towards him because its all his fault.

Someone buy my house..please!

Day 238

This week I spent the last of my "savings" on more repairs to my car. It was £250 and I was very upset to part with it and in two minds whether to have the repairs done or not.

This morning on my drive to work the things I had repaired broke again.  I am so upset and fed up. I have literallly no money left to pay for anything else. Not even enough to cover petrol to the end of the month. I know the garage will tell me that the fault is now with the electrics or some other expensive problem. I am gutted.

On top of that my colleague has had 3 people make offers on his house which  went for sale 3 days ago.

It was too much. The day my internet and phone gets cut off, my car fucks up and my friend sells his house. It was all too much for my shattered nerves and I broke down at work and spent 15 minute in the toilet crying.

I am suffering from severe self pity. I am a good person. I don't deserve any of this. It's just so cruel that nothing will go my way.

I feel ashamed that I am still in this position so many months later. I want to be rid of him, delete him forever and start my new life. I just need a little bit of luck. Or quite a lot of money. Either will do.

On a positive note I couldn't face taking pissy pants to bed with me after waiting all night for my clean sheets to dry. So I didn't. I locked him in his bed downstairs and shut the door on him. I felt very guilty but slept right through until my 5am alarm. If he cried I didn't hear him. Result

Day 237

Another early start at 4.30 this morning courtesy of my dog and his elderly weak bladder.

It's becoming a real problem. I don't know what to do about it and I hate that I'm having to deal with it alone...Fucking Bastard! I need to spend as much time as I can with Alfie, my little dog. After losing his brother in December I am terrified. He has been my best friend for 17 years and he's driving me insane with his behaviour...but when he goes a big piece of me will go with him. He is 17 and I'm nervous!

Tomorrow my phone, internet and TV get  cut off. I considered ringing the talking clock in Australia and buying a few films so he gets a nice bill but I can't be bothered.

The most exciting thing to happen to me today is the box of 40 packets of crisps I bought for £4. That will not help my diet!

Day 236

I've not had a good day today. Sleeping with one eye open in fear of dog wee or worse is taking its toll on me.

I ended up getting up at 4.30 this morning. Nobody should be up at that time unless they're going on holiday! The instant I opened my eyes I had a migraine.

I suffered all day at work feeling sick and like my head was in a vice.

I am so tired.

My friend from work has got 3 viewings on his house today. I want to be pleased for him but also want to tell him to take his smugness and ram it!

To add to the days unpleasantness my shitty estate agent has suggested I drop the asking price of my house. He is so smarmy. I don't know if its the way I'm reading them but his emails all seem really condescending and I feel like "hang on, I'm the fucking client here". As I've and made noises all of a sudden somebody wants to view the house on Saturday. I don't feel like it's genuine, that they're just making it up. Don't they know how much effort goes into making a house presentable when you have 2 dogs and spend your evenings on your arse in front of the TV? If its not genuine I'll be furious.

Talking of which, the granny shagger has just text me.  (Grand) Motherfucker.

Day 235

I dreamt about him last night. I haven't done that for a long time. He was at the house, I asked him to stay. He agreed to a 30 day trial.

The mind is a very strange thing indeed. I remember feeling uncomfortable in my dream but I didn't when I woke up, which I guess is good.

My friend from work has put his house on the market today and already he has a viewing booked for tomorrow. I am happy for him but also resentful as it's not me. He'll have moved house and be decorating before I'm any further on.

My car was back at the garage today and another £250 that I don't have has gone down the drain.

I'm clinging on, still hanging in here. When will I catch a break?

Day 234

Food is becoming my enemy.

I've been friends with food for many years. It's always there for me. In times of sadness, anger or celebration I can always count on food being there.

Food is now outstaying it's welcome.

I am so bored. Day in day out is the same. The weekends are the worse. Because I get up so early during the week I can't sleep in at the weekend. By the time I've done my horses and walked the dogs I'm back home 11am at the latest. That's alot of time to be home alone on the sofa with food for company.

The last 2 weekends I have eaten an enormous amount of crap. Any weight I lost after my breakup and then brief ban on crisps is all put back on. I can't carry on like this.

Food, I love you but we have to stop this. It's me, not you. We're just not good for eachother anymore.

Day 233

Bored Bored Bored

I've watched crap films all day and eaten a takeaway.  This is not good for my mental well-being.

More of the same tomorrow no doubt.

Day 232

For the first time in over 200 days I forgot to post my Diary entry yesterday.

It must be the excitement of him not coming round this weekend to collect his things and cut off my internet. He did reply to text and his move "fell through".
God knows what he's up to.

It got my brain working overtime again. Is it because he's moving with her?  But actually I don't care. I was more relieved  that I could watch Netflix still than concerned about who he might be shacking up with.

Day 231

I've had to send him a message, I can't stand not knowing if he's coming to collect his stuff or not.

It's been at least 10 minutes and he hasn't replied!!

My poor old dog wet himself in my bed again last night so I hardly slept worrying about more accidents. I dont know what the solution is but its getting me down. I rush home from work each evening and the first thing I hear when I open the car door is him barking inside the house. My neighbours must be praying I find a buyer soon. 

Yesterday I made an appointment to view a house on Saturday. Today I had a phone call to say it's been sold already. And yet I have not had a single viewing still.

I need to stop stressing about it, there's nothing I can do. My main worry is that my parents are loaning me half the mortgage amount each month and I feel terrible about it.

I wonder if he'll bother to message me back!

Day 230

I was reminded by Facebook this morning that 3 years ago today we viewed our house and made an offer there and then. We were so excited. Now I can't wait to get rid of it.

Of course such an unpleasant reminder first thing in the morning started me off thinking.

What kind of person would ask their partner's opinion on their outfit, kiss their partner goodbye, be told to "have a good time", take their partner's car freshly filled with fuel for them so they dont have to stop on their way out, and drive off on the pretence of meeting workmates to play pool when in fact they're going to meet their married mistress.

My fiance thats who. A lying cheating sack of shit with no conscience who does not deserve to share this planet with decent human beings.

I would never encourage anyone to commit suicide but how that poor excuse can live with himself I do not know. It's not even just the sex thing...how did he have the nerve to make the first arrangements to meet with her "for coffee"? I guarantee he first started messaging her while sat in his pants on the chair opposite me. I don't know how he did it. I would have been so ashamed of myself.

But I guess that is the difference between a good person and somebody lacking any decent or morals.

If he does come round on Sunday I must under no circumstances show any weakness. I must not feel sorry for him and consider asking him for dinner. I must remember that he was my best friend and he lied to me for a year and that he had sex with somebody then came home and got into my bed.

He is vile and I am a better off without him.