That wasn't my first thought when I woke. It was of HIM. Where is he? There is somebody out there that has all of my secrets. I thought I had HIS. I didn't.
I love him. I miss him. I need him. We belong together. We are soulmates.
At the end of the day HE cheated on me. We've not argued about the washing up..he made a conscious decision to meet another woman in a hotel while HE was engaged to me. That is serious. That is fatal. Why am I still missing him, loving him? Believing we are soulmates?
I feel ashamed. For HIM and for me. What he did is dirty and low and disgusting. Like eating food off the floor. Does he know that? Does he care? I'm ashamed for myself as that dirty food on the floor was better than me and everyone will know. I wasn't always friendly but always honest and I'm annoyed that HE got to have a trustworthy and honest partner and I didn't. It never occurred to me. Never ever crossed my mind. HE just wouldn't do that. We will always be together. Made for each other. The other half of me. Now that half is gone.
I'm trying to manage being 50%. Being off work and hiding from the world is helping. 2 days ago I saw my neighbour. He asked how I was. I cried. He hugged me. I was humiliated. My neighbour is a nice kind man. He was just making small talk. I felt bad for him and shame for myself. How will I manage when a real person asks how I am? In 4 days I have to go back to work and face reality.
I'm trying to manage being 50%. Being off work and hiding from the world is helping. 2 days ago I saw my neighbour. He asked how I was. I cried. He hugged me. I was humiliated. My neighbour is a nice kind man. He was just making small talk. I felt bad for him and shame for myself. How will I manage when a real person asks how I am? In 4 days I have to go back to work and face reality.
In 2 days it is my birthday. I am dreading it. I am dreading opening facebook and the memories from last year popping up. The trip to Paris. The most amazing exhausting birthday. A boat trip down the Seine. Walking all over Paris and a visit to the Museum. This year I don't want to get out of bed. I have to though. Mrs responsible must get up and feed the dogs and walk them..and go and check on the horses. Of course I want to do those things. I love my animals..they are now my whole life. It would just be nice to be able to wallow all day if I wanted to.
I just cant stop thinking about HIM. He doesn't deserve my time or tears. I cant help it. I hate the man that has done this to me but I still love the man that hadn't. My brain cannot cope with the fact the two are the same person.
The love of my life..my soul mate...is just gone. GONE. One minute he was here. Then he wasn't. And for God's sake..yes his t-shirt is in the washing basket. So what..it doesn't mean anything. He just wasn't thinking and/or he's selfish. Need to forget about the t-shirt.
The sun is out..I can see behind the bedroom curtains. What shall I do today? I expect the same as the last 5 days. Put on a brave face and do what needs doing before running home to hide again.
I just miss HIM so much.
HE has told me in no uncertain terms..he does not love me.
How can this be true? Of course HE does, what's he talking about? I'm HIS nutbag..his fiancée, soulmate. He'll always love me..remember?
And then I do remember. He had a double life. Maybe SHE is his nutbag now. Did he tell HER the same things he told me when we met? Was he pinching himself...would his dad have loved her..is she the best thing to happen to him? The double life thing is mad. He may have spent a day in bed with HER and come home to me and our ordinary life with horse poo and senile dogs and nagging and tv. How could I possibly compete with secret exciting rendezvous' in service stations and Travelodges? Who is HE?
I miss him.
My lovely friend from work wants to meet me tomorrow, take me out for lunch. I can't. It's too hard to put on a brave face. I'm desperate to text him, for him to tell me he's changed his mind, had time to think. I can't concentrate on a conversation with my friend. Especially not in a restaurant that I've been to with him. There are memories everywhere, it's not safe to leave the house unless absolutely necessary.
When did I become so weak and pathetic. I am a big character...gobby, outspoken, no nonsense. Am I? Who is this pathetic weakling crying as she pours her heart out to an invisible and non existent audience? I don't know what to do from one minute to the next. I am wondering the house like a ghost, from one tiny messy room to the next. All the time thinking about HIM! I wanted to go to the cinema this week.... we wanted to. I really want to see the film. I considered going by myself...I'm not letting him spoil that. I keep looking up the film times... don't know why, they don't change. I can do it, I'll show HIM! But I won't because he doesn't care, he's not here. He wouldn't know anyway. Why torture myself.
I've never fallen out of love with somebody I'm with. I don't understand how it works? He claims he was driving around at work and realised. What? We had a 5 minute conversation about it... what can you say to that? If there had been no affair I may have fought harder but I don't know anything about what's been going on and have nothing in my corner. He says he told HER he loved her but that he didn't really, he just cared for her. Was he driving around at work and realised he did love HER while realising he didn't love me? I don't know, he doesn't speak to me. He gets annoyed, runs.
My lovely friend from work wants to meet me tomorrow, take me out for lunch. I can't. It's too hard to put on a brave face. I'm desperate to text him, for him to tell me he's changed his mind, had time to think. I can't concentrate on a conversation with my friend. Especially not in a restaurant that I've been to with him. There are memories everywhere, it's not safe to leave the house unless absolutely necessary.
When did I become so weak and pathetic. I am a big character...gobby, outspoken, no nonsense. Am I? Who is this pathetic weakling crying as she pours her heart out to an invisible and non existent audience? I don't know what to do from one minute to the next. I am wondering the house like a ghost, from one tiny messy room to the next. All the time thinking about HIM! I wanted to go to the cinema this week.... we wanted to. I really want to see the film. I considered going by myself...I'm not letting him spoil that. I keep looking up the film times... don't know why, they don't change. I can do it, I'll show HIM! But I won't because he doesn't care, he's not here. He wouldn't know anyway. Why torture myself.
I've never fallen out of love with somebody I'm with. I don't understand how it works? He claims he was driving around at work and realised. What? We had a 5 minute conversation about it... what can you say to that? If there had been no affair I may have fought harder but I don't know anything about what's been going on and have nothing in my corner. He says he told HER he loved her but that he didn't really, he just cared for her. Was he driving around at work and realised he did love HER while realising he didn't love me? I don't know, he doesn't speak to me. He gets annoyed, runs.
How does he not miss me. We've done (almost!) everything together for nearly 7 years. I can't function without him, he's my backbone. Why aren't I his? Is SHE? Is he with her? Isn't he? Why doesn't he miss me. Our small untidy home. Our life. It wasn't perfect... but it was ours. I haven't always been very nice to him, or him to me. That's just life. When I'm having a hard time I take it out on the person nearest me and that was always him. I didn't mean it, I thought he didn't mean it either.
I cannot imagine my life without him. I know he's gone, but he's still here. That bloody t-shirt, his slippers, The milk in the fridge which I should really throw away. What do I do when it's all gone?
I don't deserve this.
I cannot imagine my life without him. I know he's gone, but he's still here. That bloody t-shirt, his slippers, The milk in the fridge which I should really throw away. What do I do when it's all gone?
I don't deserve this.
FFS I've text him.
22 part 2
And he answered me. 4.5hrs later. He feels crap. Me too. Why does he feel crap? Apparently it doesnt matter. Of course it matters. Does he feel crap because he's made a mistake and he misses me but he's too proud to say or too scared to face things? Or does he feel crap because he has a cold, or a hard day at work. It matters because one of those things means the difference between life and no life. To me it matters.
Of course I pressed him..scared him off. The one word answers reappeared. I was convinced he hadnt talked to anyone about things..that it wasnt really happening. But he's told one of his sister's who must have told the other who must have told his mum and step dad. But I've had no text. No words of comfort or concern over his ridiculous behaviour. No reassurance that they'll talk to him, make him see sense. That really hurt. I'm not close to his family but I was a part of it.
I asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink tomorrow evening. I'll bring the dogs to a pub with a garden. Not a good idea he says. And I'm off again, pushing him...because you love me, youre running from guilt. And there ended the conversation.
I can't help myself. I need answers..I need closure. I'm in limbo..still clinging to a pointless hope. I love him.
I wish I could go back and change things. Change me..the chip on my shoulder that makes me so mean and impatient. That drives people away. I'm a good person under the self loathing I project onto everyone around me. I turned a lovely kindhearted person who adored me into an unfaithful liar who can't stand to have a conversation with me by text.
The car wouldn't start today. 2 turns of the key and nothing. Completely dead. Panic..can I ring him? Would he come? I'm stranded..What do I do? It started on the third turn..thank god. Another reminder..YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!
Tonight I thought a dog was dead. He snores loudly with exaggerated rise and fall of his chest. There was nothing. No noise, no movement. I watched for maybe 10 seconds. Feeling sick. Put my hand on his head. Nothing. Stroked him..nothing. Gave a little nudge...thank god the old sod woke up. He was in a really deep sleep and scared the hell out of me. He's so old and fragile looking. Out on a walk the other day he shook himself as it was raining and he got so wobbly he fell over into a puddle in a pot hole. It was so sad.
It is now past midnight. That means tomorrow is my birthday. God I'm dreading it..I don't want it. I must sleep.
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