Day 116

Had a really early start this morning. Alarm went off at 5.30, it was really cold and the car windscreen was frozen.

Not the ideal start to a Monday.

I'm really trying to keep positive. Getting up early, being alone in the dark on the moors, being cold and tired looking after my animals. It's a choice. I have chosen to do it. Nobody is forcing me. I choose to keep my horses and manage them alone. I must stop seeing it as a chore or a punishment. The alternative, not having them, is far far worse.

So my alarm is set for 5.30 again tomorrow and there's a towel on my windscreen to keep a clear patch.

I can do this.

When I got back this evening I had a serious panic as I couldn't find my door keys. I emptied my enormous handbag of my collection of tissues, pen lids and receipts. I turned the car upside down. After 10 minutes I was nearing a breakdown. Thinking I would have to either phone him to get his key or sit in the cold waiting for a locksmith I couldn't afford.

I just thought I'd check the front door..and sure enough there they were. I was so relieved and so annoyed with myself. Luckily I didn't have to ring him for help and be upset when I didn't get any. Luckily I didn't get burgled!

So I have now stashed a key somewhere and hope I can remember if I ever need it!

So disaster averted, let's see what tomorrow brings.

Day 115

I am 100% ok today.

I can't believe I've gone a whole weekend without once feeling really low and upset.

This week I have to start getting up really early to see to my horses before work so come next weekend I'll be exhausted and probably not quite so perky or optimistic.

I haven't done any packing or sorting in the house. I can't be bothered. I'm being really lazy and just ignoring this mammoth task ahead of me. I'm using the excuse that I can't get in to sort out the garage as the arseholes motorbike is in there. I could manage if I really tried. The loft is another story...I've never been up there. I'm scared of the ladder and if I get stuck up there I'd be screwed..no-one would know.

So I won't take any unnecessary risks and will stay safely in front of the TV.

Day 114

Yay It's Saturday and I'm not depressed. I've barely even thought about "being alone".

This is huge. I feel good. Quite happy, optimistic.  Its unlikely to last but will enjoy it while I can.

It's freezing cold again. Fireworks are exploding all over the place. Thankfully my old dogs are quite deaf so it's not so much of an issue nowadays. My horses are safely in their stables and hopefully not frightened.

We never went to a bonfire night fireworks display because we could never leave the dogs.  Something else I can do with a new partner in the future if I'm lucky.

I don't feel miserable so I have nothing else to say.

Day 113. Anniversary Day

I woke up and immediately thought about texting him with something witty that would make him confess his love and regret.

Alas I couldn't think of anything.

After some advice from some cyber friends I decided not to bother. I would have spent the day checking my phone and would only have been disappointed when I didn't get the reaction I wanted, or even a reply!

And actually I'm fine. Not sad at all, not really bothered. Facebook showed me a memory from 3 years ago. A post I'd made joking about lack of romance as we were in different rooms watching different TV progs on our 4th anniversary. Says it all really. The rose tinted goggles are off now that I'm feeling stronger about things.

It's fireworks night tomorrow. Perfect weather for it. Cold and clear. Was lovely sky and beautiful moon tonight. I actually thought I might take a garden chair up to the moor one night and wrap up in a blanket with the dogs and just star gaze. It's so beautiful sometimes.

On second thoughts its freezing and bloody scary so maybe something to consider if I'm lucky enough to meet someone new in the future.

Am not dreading tomorrow, Saturday. The day of the week I usually feel sad and lonely. I'm looking forwards to spending time with my horses and doing my own thing.

Who is this positive person and what have you done with Mrs Moany?

Day 112

I got my first dick pic today.

Not from someone on a dating app but someone random that follows me on twitter.

I got a message..How old are you? Looking for an older woman. Love a fat arse.

Now I know its been a while but surely chat up lines can't have changed that much. Despite the fact I seem to fit this individuals criteria I politely declined.

And then came the dick pic.

I mean really? So I told him I was embarassed for him and blocked him.

All afternoon I've been at work thinking that there's a stranger's penis on my phone. What if my boss knocks my bag and my phone falls out and opens to that exact page?

So tomorrow is the next milestone. Our anniversary. I cant think if anything clever to text him so may just call him an Arsehole. Maybe I could forward the dick pic...that would confuse him. I'm not planning to be down. I don't want to feel sad that we're not together tomorrow, I want to feel grateful that I didn't waste any more years. Not sure it will go to plan.

Day 111

I'm trying to think of something witty and cutting to text to him on Friday. What would have been our 7th anniversary.

It needs to be clever, cutting. I want him to feel something. I don't care what just something. Regret, sadness, itritation even.  I've had no indication of any emotion from him for around 100 days.  And that's fine, but I'm angry now and want him to know that I think he's an idiot without actually telling him he's an idiot. I want him to feel.

How dare he have done this to me. For 6 years and 9 months I put up with his short legs, little dick, thinning hair, pea brain and childish mentality. I fed him, washed his clothes paid for most things, and he does this to me? He hasn't ruined my life, I won't let him, but he has wasted a really big chunk of it. I genuinely believed we were both in it for keeps and that is why I accepted the little things that weren't so great. No passion or romance, barely any spark. But I was glad to exchange that for security, a companion. Someone that knows everything about me and will always be there.

If only I had known the little bastard was a fraud I wouldn't have put up with such a stale relationship for that amount of time.

I am angry. I must find the right words to send him on Friday.

Day 110

It's been a good day today.

I laughed until I cried at work. Unfortunately I had someone on the phone waiting to talk to me. I had to cut them off I was hysterical.

Apparently my friend had a swarm of STI carrying ladybirds at her house a few days ago. I googled it, it's a real thing. I was in hysterics. It felt so good to laugh.

The car worked fine, I didn't get attacked by the boogeyman or a murderer which in the current scheme of things is a result!